


Metaphorical Rain

by kaggleyama



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, College, Everything is a mess, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Slow Burn, Tsukki is a litle shit, Ushijima can be rude but he means well, how do I summary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-04
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-05-04 23:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5352350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaggleyama/pseuds/kaggleyama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even in college, Tsukishima and Hinata are as frustrating as ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> thIS SHIP IS MY LIFE help. nobody else ships it and i cry. 
> 
> anyway i was writing this and kept getting distracted so i thought; maybe if i post the first chapter ill be more motivated!!! which might not have been the best idea ever but meh
> 
> so yeah here enjoy

Going to a college with a strong volleyball team carried with it the possibility of having to play on the same team as people he had faced in high school. Ushijima will freely admit he had not considered this possibility when he made his decision.

To be fair, he did not have any problems for the first two years. The only people he even knew were Semi and that spiker from Fukurodani he remembers facing once at nationals. Then, at the start of his third year-

“Do you remember me?”

Ushijima looks up – _up, he must have grown_ – at Tsukishima Kei. He looks different from three years ago. It is more in the way he holds himself than his features. More confident, more assured.

It is a good look on him.

“Of course,” Ushijima answers. Tsukishima was the first person to truly be able to block his spikes and, to this day, the last. His first true loss is not likely to leave his mind any time soon. “There is no way I could ever forget you, Tsukishima Kei.”

Tsukishima recoils as if struck. His cheeks are tinged a faint red, though whether it is with anger or something else Ushijima does not know. “Then-”

He is interrupted by another person Ushijima remembers well nearly bowling him over. “Do you remember me, too?”

Ushijima directs his attention downwards. It is much more comfortable to be able to look down at people. “Hinata Shouyou,” he says. He can already feel a vague sense of discomfort growing in the pit of his stomach, an echo of the feeling he used to feel whenever he met Hinata.

“Hinata,” Tsukishima snaps. “What did I say about interrupting me when I’m talking?”

“Aw, c’mon, Kei. Don’t be like that.” Hinata has to stand on his toes to comfortably place his hands on Tsukishima’s shoulders, but he manages to drag him down a little. Their faces are suddenly very close to each other. “Don’t be so uptight.” He grins brightly.

The flush on Tsukishima’s face deepens. “Idiot,” he says.

Ushijima does not think they remember he is there as well. He suddenly feels very uncomfortable. Luckily, somebody else manages to draw their attention away from each other.

“Hinata! Tsukishima!” Bokuto is as full of childish excitement as he always is. “Are you here to try out for the team?”

Ushijima uses the opening provided by Bokuto’s arrival to quietly slip away towards Semi, who seems to be observing the other new first years from the side of the gym. He just manages to catch Hinata saying just Kei, which strikes him as odd. He remembers Hinata as he was three years ago. It is hard to imagine somebody as determined as he not going on to play in college.

“Do you think those two are acting strange?” He points at the two former Karasuno players.

Semi pushes his hand down. He takes one look at where Tsukishima and Hinata are still talking to Bokuto and snorts. “They’re not weird – they’re dating. Duh.” He shakes his head. “I can’t believe you didn’t notice. I mean, they’re holding hands, for fuck’s sake.”

Ushijima takes another look and sees that Hinata and Tsukishima do indeed have their fingers linked together. He thinks the explanation makes sense. It would certainly explain the closeness of their faces earlier. “Oh.” 

“Yeah,” Semi snorts again. “Oh.”

Sometimes, Ushijima does not like talking to Semi because he makes him feel stupid. He knows it is not on purpose, but it stings nonetheless. He endures another few seconds of silence before announcing that he is going to start warming up.

He focuses on loosening his muscles, then. Only when practice is about to start does he pay attention to his surroundings again. The first thing he sees when he looks up is Hinata jumping up to place a kiss on his boyfriends cheek.

“I’ll see you later, Kei. Good luck!” He starts moving away, trailing his hand all the way from Tsukishima’s shoulder down his arm, but stops suddenly. His eyes flick up to the ceiling. “It’s not raining, is it?”

Tsukishima’s face does something peculiar. Ushijima had never been particularly good interpreting emotions, and this too is an expression he cannot place. “It’s not.”

“Alright, thanks.” Hinata bounces away, throwing a wink over his shoulder. “Good luck, babe.”

This time, Ushijima has no problem reading the annoyance on Tsukishima’s face. But underneath that still, there is that emotion he does not recognize.

Ushijima thinks of the question Hinata asked, and of the cloudless sky outside.

He wonders, again, why Hinata stopped playing volleyball.

 

 

Ushijima does not see Hinata again for the rest of the week. He sees Tsukishima at practice, but he is too busy trying to avoid being assaulted by the new, unnaturally tall middle blocker Haiba Lev to speak much with him. He does want to talk to him, if only to ask about Hinata.

The former middle blocker has been on his mind more than he is willing to admit. Part of it is probably due to the unresolved feelings he has not been able to shake off. When he first met Hinata, he was tiny and absolutely hopeless at volleyball. By all rights, he should have realized he would not be able to fight with his height. He should have given up, but instead he trained and trained and learned to fly. It went against everything Ushijima knew.

Hinata was an enigma, completely illogical, and that scared him. He wants to examine him. Pluck him apart until he gets to the heart of him and can finally understand what fuels such wild passion. But even more than that, Ushijima cannot think of any reason why somebody as devoted to volleyball as Hinata would simply quit after high school.

He finally gets a chance to ask when the coach orders him to practice his spikes against Tsukishima’s blocks.

The practice is quite possibly even more frustrating than the game against Karasuno. Tsukishima has gotten better in the three years that have passed. Good enough that, while he does not manage to completely stop any of Ushijima’s spikes – there would have to be more blockers for that – he comes close many times.

When they have been going at it for a while, Ushijima starts hearing the whispers.

“I heard he was able to block Ushijima’s spikes when he was only _sixteen_ -”

“Really? That’s _amazing_ -”

“He must be some kind of monster-”

They do not escape Tsukishima’s attention, either. His face twists into some strange mixture between satisfaction and annoyance, a smirk on his lips and a devilish glint in his eyes as he slowly turns around to look at the loudest offenders.

Ushijima remembers being on the receiving end of a similar stare after his loss to Karasuno. Even then, there was something unsettling about it. He cannot even imagine what it is like now that Tsukishima is older.

Apparently it is more terrifying than ever. It takes no more than a few seconds of just looking before the whisperers scamper off, heads down to avoid eye contact.

“Idiots,” Tsukishima mutters. When he turns back around, his shoulders are slumped as if they are supporting a great weight. It only lasts a second, though, before he draws himself up into his usual posture, head held high and back straight. “I’m going to take a break. Practice with Lev, or something, if you want to keep going.”

It is not a question, and he does not wait for an answer. Ushijima is talking to his retreating back when he says, “I’ll join you.”

He does not think Tsukishima heard him, so he is pleasantly surprised when Tsukishima hands him a bottle of water before leaning against the wall and drinking from his own. Now is as good a time as any to bring up his questions about Hinata. Ushijima spends a few moments thinking about how to bring up the topic, before admitting that words have never been his forte, so he might as well get it over with.

“I haven’t seen Hinata in a while.”

Tsukishima looks at him from the corner of his eye, frowning. “Were you expecting to? It’s not like you two are close, or anything.”

“No,” Ushijima concedes. “But I would have thought I’d see him at practice.”

“Hinata hasn’t joined to team,” Tsukishima says. The tension is his jaw carries something like a warning. Ushijima chooses to ignore that warning in favor of his curiosity.

“Why not?”

Those two simple words is all it takes for Tsukishima to completely stiffen. All emotions slide from his face until there is nothing left but a blank mask. “I don’t really see how that is any of your concern.”

He walks away, movements unnatural and stiff. Ushijima wonders if he should go apologize. If Tsukishima’s reaction was any indication, that is the proper thing to do. Then again, he walked away. Maybe he does not want Ushijima to come talk to him.

Conflicted, Ushijima does what is easiest in situations like this. He seeks advice from someone he knows.

Semi is busy tossing for some new spikers. They scamper off when they see Ushijima approaching. It is, he supposes, one of the advantages of being naturally intimidating. “Nice job scaring off the first years,” Semi snipes.

“I think I’ve angered Tsukishima,” Ushijima gets straight to the point.

Instead of asking more questions, Semi looks for Tsukishima among the other people in the gym. This is something Ushijima appreciates about him. However insolent he may be, however quick to anger, Semi can always be relied on.

When he spots Tsukishima, now practicing blocks with some of the more experienced members, tension still written all over his posture, Semi winces. “Oh, ouch. What did you do?”

“I asked why Hinata didn’t join the team.”

Semi levels him with a look. It is not accusing, for which Ushijima is grateful. Just a steady gaze. “You probably touched on a personal subject. That’s why he’s angry.”

Now that somebody has said it, it seems incredibly obvious. Of course Tsukishima would not want somebody he barely knows – even more, a rival – to question him about his loved ones. Still, he is unsure if he should go over to talk to him now. “Should I go apologize?”

“If I were Tsukishima-” Semi starts, only to be interrupted by a shout from right behind Ushijima.

“Ushijima-senpai!” He does not know when Lev crept up behind him, but he should have known Lev would seek him out as soon as he was done practicing with Tsukishima. “Are you talking about Tsukishima?”

Ushijima does his best to hide his discomfort at Lev’s proximity. “Yes, I-”

“Don’t worry about him. He gets grumpy like that,” Lev smiles down at him in a way that is probably meant to be reassuring. “Just let him cool down for a while and it’ll all be fine.”

“You sound like you have experience dealing with him,” Semi raises his eyebrows. “Know him?”

“Sort of,” Lev says. “We played against each other a lot in high school. I didn’t talk with Tsukishima much, but Hinata and I were totally rivals. Well, until…”

“Until what?” Ushijima asks. Just because Tsukishima is unwilling to answer his questions, does not mean he has lost interest.

Lev blinks, cat-like. He looks at Tsukishima, then back to Ushijima. A look of comprehension crosses his face. “Ah. You asked him about Hinata.”

“He stopped playing volleyball,” Ushijima says.

“Well, yeah, but you probably shouldn’t ask Tsukishima about that. It’s kind of a sore subject. For both of them, really.” Lev seems, for a change, completely serious. “I’d tell you about it myself, but. Well, it’s not really my story to tell.”

A part of Ushijima is telling him to keep pushing, to keep going until he has finally uncovered the mystery behind Hinata Shouyou. Another part is telling him to pay attention to the look Semi is sending him. It is a clear don’t, even to somebody as bad with expressions as Ushijima. So he refrains from prying further, even though he wants to and, eventually, Lev starts pestering him about teaching him to spike better. The conversation moves on, even if Ushijima does not.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, heres the thing: i am really fucking busy and my muse is incredibly fickle, so i cant really guarantee that ill be able to update regularly. im trying to not spend an eternity on every chapter so it shouldnt take _too_ long but i thought id warn you now.
> 
> id like to thank all the people who commented! you have no idea how happy it makes me to hear that people like what i write. 
> 
> anyway, heres chapter two or, as i like to call it: the chapter with a bunch of unnecesary purple prose that came out of no where and surprised me more than anyone else

Tsukishima avoids him for a while after the incident. Even after he has stopped being treated like he has some sort of contagious disease, Ushijima does not feel confident enough to bring up Hinata again. Whenever he asks something even slightly personal Tsukishima starts lashing out, words as shark as knives. He is able to expertly find all the weak spots in a person and stabs at it until they break. Even Ushijima, who is not easily affected by something as inane as insults, feels the sting of it. 

It is unsettling, until he remembers that this is what Tsukishima does. He thinks carefully before he does anything, to make sure his actions have the maximum impact. This cool head of his frustrated Ushijima two years ago, and it frustrates him now. 

And still, he does not know why Hinata quit volleyball. The only other person he can ask is Lev, but the middle blocker always finds an excuse to avoid those particular questions. 

With Tsukishima fending off any and all inquiries about his boyfriend, and Lev avoiding them, Ushijima is out of options. There is nobody else he can ask. He has no way to contact any of the other former Karasuno players and, even if he did, is not close enough to ask such personal questions. 

It occurs to him while he is studying in the library that there is one more person he could ask. He still has Oikawa’s number. It is doubtful Oikawa knows much about Hinata and even more doubtful he would pick up if Ushijima called. That doesn’t stop Ushijima from considering calling to ask. He is staring down at his phone about to do just that, when there is a shout from behind him.

“Ushiwaka!”

Ushijima jerks. The only one he can remember ever calling him that is Oikawa. For a moment he panics, thinking that Oikawa has been standing behind him this entire time, which should not be possible, before calming down enough to realize that it was not Oikawa’s voice he heard.

He stands from his chair to face what seems to be a tower of books. 

“Hold this for a second,” the books say. Ushijima accepts the stack when it handed to him and discovers that there was, in fact, a person behind it. 

“Those things are freaking _heavy_ ,” Hinata says, face red. He proceeds to plant himself in Ushijima’s chair, closing his eyes. 

Effectively robbed of a place to sit, Ushijima stands awkwardly by Hinata’s side. He takes the opportunity to examine the books he was handed, and can’t help being surprised by what he sees. 

“You’re studying architecture?” he asks. 

“Yeah.” Hinata opens a single eye, finally seems to realize he has stolen Ushijima’s seat and jumps up, apologizing frantically. 

Ushijima sets the stack of books down on the table. He has to agree that they are incredibly heavy. Even though he knows that small stature hides a surprising amount of strength, Ushijima is still amazed Hinata was able to carry them. 

“Don’t you find it difficult?” he asks, interrupting Hinata’s continued attempts to apologize. 

“Huh?”

“When you were in high school,” Ushijima clarifies. “I did not get the impression that you were smart enough to study something as complicated as architecture.”

Hinata blinks. His eyes flicker to the side, focusing on something only he can see for a second. For a moment, Ushijima thinks he has offended him, but then Hinata laughs, bright and sudden. “That’s true, I guess. My grades weren’t exactly something to be proud of, but they definitely started getting better once I stopped being distracted by volleyball.”

Ushijima’s brain screeches to a halt. He cannot reconcile this Hinata with the image he has of him is his mind. Of a boy who loved volleyball so much he dared to fly when everybody told him it was impossible. 

“Is that all it was?” he asks. His voice sounds far away to his own ears, like he is listening to it through a thick wall. “A distraction?”

Short enough for it to be almost imperceptible, Hinata stills. Then he laughs again, ruffling the back of his hair with his hand. “Not really. I mean, it was fun while it lasted but,” His eyes once again drift away. He seems to be focusing on something over Ushijima’s shoulder. “Everything has to end sometimes. Even volleyball.”

It is times like these that Ushijima truly wishes he were more eloquent. Maybe then he would be able to say the right thing to get Hinata to open up. He wants to say something that will make him spill all his secrets, reveal the story behind those words. 

“Anyway,” Hinata shakes his head. “I should get going. Need to get home soon if I ever want to finish this assignment.” He grabs the books from the table. Or tries to. Ushijima has to catch about half of them before they fall to the ground. 

“Are you walking all the way to the dorms with these?” Ushijima asks. It is not that far from the library to the dorms, but he can’t help being worried. 

“Ah, no. Kei and I actually have an apartment off campus.” When he sees Ushijima’s eyebrows draw together, Hinata hastens to add, “It’s not that far though! I’ll be fine.”

“I’ll walk with you,” Ushijima says. Despite how he may come across at times, he was still raised to be polite, which means he cannot just watch as Hinata tears his back out trying to take all these books home. 

“Oh, no! No, you don’t have to. I’ll be fine, I swear.” He tries to take back his books, but Ushijima resolutely turns his body away. 

“You said it wasn’t far. I’m sure it won’t take that long.”

“But,” Hinata slumps, pouting. “I don’t want you to get wet because of me.”

Ushijima looks out the window. There is nothing but clear skies outside. He frowns, remembering what Hinata said a few weeks prior. “It’s not raining,” he points out. 

Hinata freezes. “Isn’t it?” He looks out of the window and, abruptly, loosens up. “Ah, you’re right! Well, then I guess it’s fine if you walk with me. Let’s go.” There is something off about his voice, but Ushijima cannot quite figure out what. 

It turns out Hinata’s apartment is indeed close by, in an apartment complex just off campus. He chatters about nonsensical stuff all the way there. Eventually the conversation returns to volleyball, though not in the way Ushijima might have wanted. 

“So I heard Lev joined the team. It must be nice to have so many tall people on one team,” Hinata muses while they climb up the stairs to his apartment.

Ushijima is positive Hinata would still be able to beat any of the tall members on the team. He has not forgotten how he grew wings when he played, even if the rest of the world seemingly has. If he said this, would Hinata draw away again? 

“Must make it incredibly easy to block and stuff,” Hinata continues, oblivious to the question swirling through Ushijima’s mind. He maneuvers the books so they are balancing on one arm, freeing the other to fish his keys out of his pocket. 

The door opens with the creaking of old hinges. Hinata pushes it open further with his foot, gesturing for Ushijima to go inside. 

Ushijima is unsure what he expected Hinata’s home to look like. Something bright with childish colors, maybe, though he supposes Tsukishima would have disagreed to something like that. Whatever he was expecting, it was nothing like this. Plain white walls, a dirty grey carpet, a single window and half-unpacked boxes everywhere. All of them have things like _kitchen_ or _clothes_ written on them with black marker. 

“Sorry for the mess,” Hinata apologizes. “We haven’t really gotten around to unpacking yet, so the place is still kind of hectic.” He sets the books down on one of the boxes near him. Ushijima follows his example. “We’d actually planned to have a house warming this week, but.” He casts a long look around the room, running his hands through his hair. “Kei has practice most days and he’s usually really tired after that. I offered to start unpacking, since he’s so busy, but now I have this project, so that’s probably not going to happen anytime soon.”

“There’s no practice on Thursdays,” Ushijima points out. It is why he is here instead of at the gym.

“Kei has classes then, and work after. Gotta pay for this place somehow,” Hinata gestures at the space around him. “Well, I pay most of the rent, since I have a lot more time to work than he does.”

There he goes again, pointing out the very thing that has been bugging Ushijima for weeks now. As time passed he only grew more curious. He is willing to give up many things to uncover the mystery behind Hinata Shouyou. Even his free time. 

The words are out before he can do anything to stop them. “I could help you unpack.”

Hinata stares until Ushijima starts to feel uncomfortable. “Don’t you have practice, too, though?”

“Not on Thursdays. I could help you,” Ushijima repeats, slowly. His tongue feels heavy, somehow. “If you want.” 

When Hinata smiles it makes even a drab room like this light up. “That would be great! I have classes in the morning and work in the evening but if you could come by during the afternoon – like, around two – that’d be a huge help.”

Ushijima very carefully does not think about his real motives for offering to help as he slowly navigates his way around the boxes towards the door. 

He hesitates at the door. This is his last chance to turn back. He spent two years unaware of Hinata and his volleyball career. It should be easy to shake off this sudden curiosity and continue with his life as normal. 

He chances a look back. Hinata is gathering up the books he borrowed from the library, nose scrunched up with the effort. A sliver of sunlight enters the room through the window, dancing on his hair like fire and Ushijima realizes; he will never be able to forget him. Hinata has crawled under his skin, burrowed into his heart and found a place there to call home.

Ushijima swallows around the lump in his throat. “I’ll see you next week,” he says, before stepping through the doorway. In comparison to a room with Hinata in it, the hallway suddenly seems very dimly lit. 

 

All through practice on Friday, Ushijima can feel Tsukishima’s eyes bore into him. He assumes Hinata must have told him about their conversation the day before. With how protective Tsukishima has been of him lately, it is no surprise that he would be suspicious. 

Ushijima tells himself he is not being a coward by avoiding him. He simply does not want to anger him more than he already has.

“Go talk to him,” Semi says when they are cooling down. He has been sending looks that Ushijima has purposefully been ignoring ever since he noticed what was going on. “Whatever's going on will only get worse if you don’t.”

Reluctantly, Ushijima gives in. He hangs back in the locker room after everybody has changed. Tsukishima, too, takes longer than usually. It might just be a coincidence, but Ushijima doubts it. It seems Semi has given him good advice once again. 

He keeps telling himself this after the last person has closed the door behind them, leaving him alone with Tsukishima. There has never been a time where Ushijima has felt small before. He has never had to. Even when faced with people taller than him, Ushijima never had reason to feel intimidated. But there is something about Tsukishima that is different. Maybe it is the way he looks at people – as if he sees right into the heart of them, without bothering to show any part of himself in return.

“I take it you spoke to Hinata.”

“Yes,” Tsukishima’s shoulders are tight with tension. “Let me get one thing straight: I don’t like you, and I definitely don’t trust you-”

Ushijima opens his mouth to offer an explanation, but Tsukishima holds up a hand to quiet him.

“-but I do to trust Hinata.”

“What?” 

Tsukishima clicks his tongue. “I don’t like you. Hinata does, though,” his voice softens considerably. It seems even somebody as reserved as Tsukishima shows his feelings sometimes. Hinata, Ushijima supposes, simply has that effect on people. 

“He’s a good judge of character,” Tsukishima continues. “If he likes you, then that’s good enough for now.”

In Ushijima’s family home there was a centuries old vase. He was given permission to touch it only once. This felt oddly similar to that. “Thank you,” he says, sincerely.

“Just know this,” Tsukishima steps closer to him. Even with a sizeable amount of space left between them, Ushijima suddenly feels cornered. “If you do anything to hurt him, I will _end you_.”

There is a moment of tension filled silence before Tsukishima turns on his heel and strides towards the door. Just before he reaches it, Ushijima says, “I won’t.”

“Good,” Tsukishima says. He opens the door with a surprising amount of gentleness, considering the tension still obviously running through his body. Just before it swings shut behind him, Ushijima can hear him add, “He’s been through enough already.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im having so much fun writing this, even though half of my process is crying about being rare pair trash. come cry with me on[ tumblr ](http://tsuk-kei.tumblr.com/)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back? Spoiler alert: it's me.
> 
> Thanks to everybody who commented and/or left kudos, it never fails to make me smile. Also, happy holidays! I hope you all enjoyed whatever you might have been celebrating. This chapter is my (somewhat belated) gift to you, so enjoy~

Hinata’s apartment is already considerably less cluttered when Ushijima arrives on Thursday. Enough of the boxes are gone that Ushijima can now see the doorway leading to a tiny kitchen and the furniture in what he now supposes is the living room. A couch, a coffee table, a TV and a couple of still empty shelves. There is another door as well, leading to a hallway with yet more doors. 

“You want something to drink?” Hinata asks, already walking to the kitchen to grab a glass from one of the cabinets. He has not stopped moving since Ushijima arrived, flitting around the place seemingly without purpose. 

“Water is fine, right? We don’t really have anything else at the moment.” Hinata whirls past him, pressing a glass into his hand. Before Ushijima can so much as thank him, he has moved on, fussing over some of the boxes on the floor. “I’ve already unpacked all the clothes and the stuff that goes in the bedroom and I’ve started on the kitchen things so I figure we should finish that before we do anything else.”

Ushijima stands in the middle of the room while Hinata starts moving boxes to the kitchen. He wonders how he should bring up volleyball – if he even should this early on. Would Hinata be scared off? Or would he get angry, like Tsukishima? It might be better if he does not risk it. 

Through the doorway, he can see Hinata pulling open drawers and depositing things inside. After shoving some boxes aside to make room, he sets his glass down on the table and goes to join Hinata. 

They work smoothly together, only rarely getting in the way of the other. With Hinata carrying most of the conversation, it does not seem like long, but by the time they have finished with the kitchen and living room it is already turning dark outside. The wind blowing through the open window is a lot chillier than it was in the afternoon.

“It’s getting pretty late,” Hinata comments, leaning against the window sill. “I’ve got to be at work in an hour, and I’m guessing you should be getting home, too, if you want to have dinner at a reasonable time.”

Ushijima glances at the single box left unpacked. It is labeled _bathroom_ in Hinata’s distinct messy scrawl. “Shouldn’t we unpack the last box?”

“I can handle that one.” After rushing around the entire day, Hinata looks pretty worn out. There are dark circles under his eyes. Ushijima wonders if they have always been there, and why he failed to notice before.

“I'd feel guilty if I didn’t finish what I started,” Ushijima argues.

“There’s not much in there, anyway. Really, I can handle it.” Hinata can probably see Ushijima is not going to budge, because he slumps down and says, “Just take it to the bathroom. In the hall, first door to the left.” 

Ushijima hesitates for a moment before doing as he is told. The bathroom is just as cramped as the other rooms. But, like the rest of the apartment, it does not give the impression of being cheap or filthy. There is even a bathtub, which is not something many college students can afford, Ushijima knows.

He sets the box down on the closed toilet seat and prepares to return to Hinata, but as he straightens up something catches his eye. A slightly see-through orange cylinder. Part of the contents are obscured by a white label, but Ushijima can still clearly see the pills. He just catches sight of Hinata’s name on the label before he looks away. 

If Hinata is keeping his medication secret, he probably has a reason. Ushijima has no right to look through his stuff, no matter how curious he is. Even if those pills are connected to Hinata quitting volleyball. Really. Hinata obviously does not want him to see this. He should respect his wishes. 

Before he realizes what he is doing, Ushijima is reaching out to the bottle of pills. 

And then, before he can go through with it, his phone rings. 

The sudden disruption of the silence startles Ushijima enough that he nearly trips over his own feet. He fishes his cell from his pocket and looks at the caller ID.

“Semi,” he answers. He tries to calm his racing heart, which he is fairly certain can be heard on the other side of the line. 

“Ushijima-san, are you free right now?” Semi skips right over the pleasantries. “I’ve got something to show you.”

Ushijima glances at the door. He wonders if these walls are thin enough for Hinata to hear him. “I’m kind of busy.”

“How busy?” Semi asks, sounding impatient. “Because if it’s not pressing I suggest you come over here. You’re going to want to hear this.”

Semi is not perfect. He has given wrong advice before. But if he says something is important, Ushijima is going to trust him. “I’ll be there in half an hour,” he says, and hangs up. 

When he returns to the living room, Hinata is leaning out the window, face painted various shades of red and orange by the last light of the setting sun. Ushijima can imagine this setting in a painting, one that would no doubt be sold for millions, and for a moment he revels in the simple beauty of it. Then he notices _why_ Hinata is leaning out the window.

“You _smoke?_ ” 

Hinata’s eyes flick toward him for a moment before returning to staring vacantly at the city outside. He hums his affirmative before bringing the cigarette dangling from his fingers to his lips. 

“But you’re an athlete,” Ushijima says, aghast. 

“I _was_ an athlete,” Hinata corrects. He waves the hand that holds his cigarette, scattering some ash on the window sill. “Not anymore.”

Ushijima opens his mouth, but stops what he is about to say at one piercing look from Hinata. “Don’t you have somewhere to be in half an hour?” At least that answers the questions of whether or not he could hear him. “You should probably get going.”

“Yes.” Ushijima’s brain is not working correctly. He cannot think of any words with more than a single syllable to say, and so he says nothing. He simply turns around and leaves, quietly closing the door behind him. 

He feels lightheaded. Instead of getting answers like he had hoped, more layers have been added to the mystery. The pills, the smoking, his sudden change in behavior – all of it is enough to make his head spin. 

When he reaches the street outside, Ushijima looks back one more time. In the half-dark of the evening, the glowing ember on the end of Hinata’s cigarette is like a beacon.

 

“It’s rude to just hang up on somebody like that,” Semi says by way of greeting. 

“Sorry,” Ushijima mutters. 

He can almost feel Semi repressing a sigh. “It’s fine. Just come in here.” 

Aside from the walls being decorated with various posters, Semi’s dorm is remarkably similar to Ushijima’s own. One notable difference is that Semi’s desk is cluttered with all matter of things. In the middle is a relatively tidy space reserved for his laptop. It sits there proudly, screen emitting a soft light.

“Sit down,” Semi gestures at the chair in front of the desk.

Ushijima frowns at it, hesitating. He still hasn’t had dinner. “What-”

“I found a recording of one of Karasuno’s games last year. Hinata was still playing then.” Semi raises his eyebrows expectantly. “Do you want to see, or not?” He stares at Ushijima like he is challenging him to sit down. 

Ushijima sits and watches as Semi opens the tab with the video in it and presses play.

He spots Hinata immediately. Even on the tiny computer screen, even with the bad quality of the video, he is impossible to miss. A head shorter than most every other member on the court and with his bright hair color, he stands out like a beacon. 

At first Ushijima sees nothing different from the other times he has seen Hinata play – which, admittedly, is not very often – but soon he notices something off. He is not quite able to put his finger on it. Just when he thinks he is about to, Hinata rotates into the back and gets switched out for the libero. 

Since Tsukishima is in the same team as him, Ushijima has seen him play recently. He already knew he had improved since they played against each other all those years ago, but seeing it in an actual match is different from during practice. It is a little intimidating, how he is able to keep a cool head and make rational decision even in the middle of a match. Looking at it like this, as a spectator instead of a fellow player, Ushijima truly notices how incredible it is. 

If Hinata’s play style is all energy and passion, Tsukishima’s is the polar opposite. He is the ice to Hinata’s fire, the moon to his sun. In a way, it is fitting that they ended up together. Maybe it was always meant to be. 

After a while Hinata comes back in again. Ushijima leans closer to the screen, intending to make sense of the oddity of his movements before he is switched out again. 

When the team has rotated again, and Ushijima is starting to become agitated, something happens that makes it glaringly obvious. Hinata readies himself for a spike. He runs up to the net, sinks through his knees in preparation to jump and – twitches. 

His falter does not affect the spike. The setter ends up tossing to someone else. At the next possible opportunity, Hinata is switched out for another middle blocker. The quality of the video is not good enough for Ushijima to make out his expression, but he suspects Hinata is angry at being switched out in the middle of the game. That is just the kind of person he is. 

“He doesn’t come back for the rest of the match,” Semi breaks the silence, startling Ushijima enough that he jerks violently and nearly falls from his chair in the process. He had nearly forgotten he was not alone. 

“Halfway through the first set he gets switched out,” Semi says. “And just doesn’t come back. I’m not even sure he played in another official match the rest of the season.”

A part of Ushijima wants to press play again and watch the rest of the video. He refuses to accept that there is nothing more to see. This video was supposed to hold the answer – it was supposed to tell him what he needed to know to get over this strange infatuation he has with Hinata. But, another part of him has accepted that unraveling this mystery will not be that simple. 

Still, though. That twitch. He is certain it is important. It is a piece of the puzzle, and now all he needs to do is figure out where it goes. 

“Are you sure Hinata doesn’t come back at all?”

“I watched the entire thing. So, yes, I’m sure. Hinata doesn’t come back and nothing else really happens.” Semi pauses. “Well, nothing to do with Hinata. Watching Karasuno play is pretty interesting. They’re a good team.”

Ushijima blinks up at him. “You watched the entire match?”

Semi blinks back. “Yeah.”

“Why?” 

Leaning back against the desk, Semi lets out a long sigh and tips his head back. There is a long moment of silence before he looks down at where Ushijima is still sitting. “This thing with Hinata,” he pauses. After a moment he lets out another sigh, more agitated than the first. “I don’t really get what it’s about, but you seem bothered by it.”

It feels like there is something heavy pressing against Ushijima’s chest. The sensation becomes worse when he meets Semi’s eyes. There is a softness in there that Ushijima has never seen from him before. 

“You’re the ace, Ushijima-san. If something is bothering the ace, it’s the setters job to solve it.” Semi’s voice is thick with – something. Ushijima wonders if he is imagining it. “We’re – teammates are supposed to take care of each other. That’s just how it is.”

There is a moment of silence while Ushijima processes all of this. Then he swallows, nods and says, “That’s how it is.”


	4. Chapter 4

It is already late when Ushijima leaves Semi’s dorm. He is about to head back to his own room when his growling stomach reminds him of more pressing matters. 

Since the cafeteria is likely to be closed, he heads over to the convenience store near campus. With how many times he has gone there after practice ran late, or to stock up on iced coffee when preparing to pull an all-nighter, Ushijima is fairly certain he could navigate this store with his eyes closed. But, when he walks inside, there is something not quite right.

It does not seem like there is anything different. The fluorescent lights are the same as ever, the floors the same squeaky clean. Nothing has been reordered, and the cashier is behind the counter as always. Still, Ushijima knows there is something different. 

Unable to shake the feeling, he gets what he needs and goes to check out. He is so busy trying to figure out what is causing it that he does not look up until he hears, “That’ll be 600 yen.”

Ushijima’s head whips up so fast something cracks. He stares, wide-eyed, at Tsukishima, who seems completely unfazed. He doesn’t realize how long he has been silent until Tsukishima raises an eyebrow, a clear sign that he is becoming impatient. “You work here?”

The other eyebrow rises to join its twin. “No. I’m standing here for fun.” After a moment of silence, during which Ushijima does nothing but stare, Tsukishima rolls his eyes. “ _Yes_ , I work here.”

Ushijima blinks. “Why?”

“Got to pay the rent somehow,” Tsukishima shrugs. 

“You can live in the dorms for free with a sports scholarship,” Ushijima points out. He does not have to pay to stay in the dorms, and all of his other expenses are covered by the money his parents send him. 

“Not everybody can get one of those.”

“But you could,” Ushijima says. He is certain any team would jump at the chance to have a player as talented as Tsukishima. “And you probably have one. So why don’t you stay in the dorms? It’d be a lot cheaper than your apartment.”

Tsukishima looks down at the cash register, silent. He does not stiffen or turn away, but Ushijima still wonders whether he is angry. 

Talking to Tsukishima is like navigating his way through a mine-field. One wrong move can set him off. It is, in a way, exhilarating. Knowing that he can close off at any moment makes Ushijima want to test the limits all the more. He wants to know exactly what makes him tick, how much he can dig before Tsukishima starts pushing him away again. 

“I wouldn’t get to be with Hinata if I stayed in the dorms,” Tsukishima says, softly. Before Ushijima can think of a proper response to that, he adds, “Are you _ever_ going to pay me? Or were you planning to keep standing there forever?”

The abrupt shift of topic leaves Ushijima confused for a few seconds, before he remembers that he is Tsukishima’s costumer. He feels a faint sense of embarrassment as he fishes some money from his pocket. 

Tsukishima’s hand brushes against his when he takes the money. There are shiny white scars on his palms. The image of this exact hand wrapped up in bandages swims through Ushijima’s mind. He has caught sight of the scars before, but only now does he realize he was the one who put them there. 

He has the sudden urge to run his fingers over those scars, to map out their exact location and print it in his head. Because he thinks Tsukishima would probably not appreciate it if he did, Ushijima refrains from grabbing his hand. Instead he stares as Tsukishima puts the money in the register, enthralled by how those scars reflect the light just a tiny bit more than the rest of Tsukishima’s skin.

Suddenly, the hands still. Ushijima looks up to find Tsukishima regarding him with narrowed eyes. “What are you looking at?”

“Your hands,” Ushijima says, without really thinking about it. His brain to mouth filter might be shut off, because he continues with, “Did you know Hinata smoked?” He regrets it immediately after. All he really wants is to turn around and walk away, but he is afraid that if he shows any weakness. If Tsukishima was not so busy turning a very interesting shade of red, he would undoubtedly latch onto that weakness and use it against him. 

“He was smoking today,” he explains, while Tsukishima does his best to get himself under control. “I was just wondering if you knew.”

“Of course I know,” Tsukishima snaps. The redness has mostly faded, save a slight blush staining his cheekbones. “All his clothes reek of smoke. It’s disgusting.”

Ushijima has no idea what he should say next. He had not thought that far ahead when he started this conversation. Actually, he had not thought at all, which was mostly the problem. He eventually settles on saying, “It is,” which is the best he can come up with at the moment. 

Reluctant to experience another awkward silence, something he feels he has had enough of around Tsukishima, he picks up his food and turns to go, mumbling a soft _good night_. Just as he is about to leave the store and have his much-needed dinner, Tsukishima calls out his name. 

“We’re – Hinata and I, we’re having a _party_ next week,” he manages to make the word party sound as if it is something disgusting stuck to his shoe. “Hinata insisted we should have a housewarming. And, since you helped unpack and all, I figure you should probably be there.”

“Are you inviting me?” Ushijima asks, just to be sure. 

Tsukishima pulls a face like he is biting something sour. “Yes. It’s next Friday, after practice.”

Ushijima takes a moment to let this sink in. He thinks he might be hallucinating from hunger. “I’ll be there,” he agrees. Still feeling like he might be dreaming, he leaves, the closing of the automatic door seeming oddly anti-climactic in comparison to the events of the day.

 

When he was younger, Ushijima was never one to be invited to parties. Other children either tended to think he was too quiet and strange to want to hang out with him, or were intimidated by the status his family carried. The only parties he attended were formal events where he was expected to sit quietly while acquaintances of his mother fawned over how much he had grown since they last saw him. 

“Okay, no. That’s not true,” Semi argues. He is sprawled out over Ushijima’s bed, leaving Ushijima to sit on his desk chair. “You’ve been to parties before. I know, because I was there too.”

“It’s not the same,” Ushijima says. “That was with the team. This is for friends.”

“How is it any different? I mean,” Semi continues without giving Ushijima a chance to answer. “There’ll probably be some people you don’t know. Is that really such a big deal?”

 _Yes_. Ushijima is not good with people, especially unfamiliar ones. He has trouble reading the atmosphere and responding to social cues. People often mistake his blunt manner for rudeness, or they think he is too quiet, or-

“ _Okay_ , I get it. Clearly it _is_ a big deal.” Semi interrupts his thoughts. He must have seen the distress on Ushijima’s face. “Why is it so terrible to meet new people?”

Ushijima stays silent. Semi sits up so he can look at him properly. The usual understanding is absent from his expression, replaced by something like a challenge. It is reminiscent of when they were still in high school, when Semi was still a lot less comfortable expressing concern. Instead of asking what was wrong, he would just stare until the answer was given to him. 

The staring contest goes on for a full minute before Ushijima finally gives in. “I don’t want to spend an evening with people who dislike me.” That is not exactly true, but he knows it is enough for Semi to understand what he really means.

“Since when do you care what people think of you? It never bothered you before.”

Sometimes it is truly scary how well Semi can read him, but in moments like these, Ushijima is more grateful than anything else. 

“You’re right,” he says. “I used to not care about other people’s opinions.”

Back in high school, he had left a trail of defeated opponents behind. Most of them disliked him, and there were even some who outright hated him. The same thing happened in college, but Ushijima was never bothered by it. Still-

This is different. This is Hinata and Tsukishima and their friends. People close to them, who might discuss Ushijima with them, and if they have a bad opinion of him, then-

“Then why do you let it get to you now?” Semi asks. For once, he seems to not have noticed the directions Ushijima’s thoughts were heading in. 

“I don’t.” Ushijima winces as soon as the words leave his mouth. It sounds like a lie, even to him. The unimpressed look Semi sends him is not really helping either. “I mean, I don’t _want_ to let it bother me,” he tries. “But-”

“But this time it’s people who’s opinion you actually care about? I get it.” One corner of Semi’s mouth quirks up in a vague approximation of a smirk. “You didn’t really think none of us had noticed, right? Come on, Ushijima-san.”

Ushijima furrows his brow. He has no idea what Semi is talking about. “Noticed what?”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“I’m not,” Ushijima says, completely serious. “What do you mean?”

Multiple emotions cross Semi’s face in the span of a few seconds, too fast for Ushijima to make out what they are. First he crinkles his nose, then his eyes widen comically, only to soften with something close to pity. “Nothing. Forget it.”

Ushijima wants to protest. He want to know what that look of pity was about. Before he even gets the chance to open his mouth, Semi drops backwards onto the bed and exclaims, “Anyway! The party’s tomorrow, so there’s no point in stressing out about it now. Just go and have fun. I’m sure nobody will hate you that much. Or think you’re weird.” He pauses for a moment, then shakes his head. “Point is, you’ll be fine. Just be yourself.”

Being himself is exactly what usually makes people dislike him, but Semi usually gives good advice. Ushijima decides to trust him on this, even if he still has some doubts. 

“By the way,” Semi starts. Ushijima is sure that what comes out next will take any lingering doubt away, but all he says is, “Do you have any food?”

Through great effort, Ushijima is able to restrain himself from throwing one of the many books stacked on his desk at Semi, but it is a near thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was a bitch to write, which is why it's kinda short. the next chapter should be longer, though it might take a while before i'm able to post it, since i have exams coming up. my time is basically going to be split between studying and crying and sleeping, so i won't have much time to write. 
> 
> thanks to everybody who commented or left kudos! it always makes me really happy. 
> 
> i'm on [tumblr](http://tsuk-kei.tumblr.com/) if you ever feel like talking, i'm always open for conversation


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was done sooner than i thought, which is nice, considering i probably won't be able to write much this week, and not at all the week after that (i have exams and i cry). so i'm really glad i finished this early. otherwise, you might have had to wait another few weeks for this.

Practice on Friday is more tiring than most other days. It is probably because Ushijima’s body is being weighed down by his reluctance to attend the party that evening. Even after all of Semi’s attempts to cheer him up, he still does not want to go. Regardless, he promised he would be there, and Ushijima is nothing if not a man of his word, which is why he now stands on the sidewalk across the street from Hinata and Tsukishima’s apartment. Voices spill out from the open window, too soft to hear what is being said, but still audible. Ushijima thinks he can make out Hinata’s laughter. 

Is it too late to turn back now? He can just go back to his dorm and pretend none of this ever happened. It might be a little awkward when he sees Tsukishima again, but that would be nothing compared to the complete mortification he would feel if he were forced to interact with a bunch of people he has never met before. 

“Ah, there he is!” Ushijima looks up at the window when he hears Hinata’s voice, just in time to see him poke his head out the window. He wonders if it is a common occurrence, Hinata leaning out the window. Perhaps he was a bird in a past life, and the part of him that still remembers is making him lean out the window, yearning to take off. 

Ushijima shakes his head in an attempt to get rid of those ridiculous thoughts. When he turns his attention back to Hinata, he is hanging even further from the window, waving wildly. “Ushiwaka! Come on up!”

A hand appears on Hinata’s shoulder, pulling him back inside. The hand belongs to Tsukishima, who looks more than a little annoyed. He says something Ushijima cannot hear from so far away, but he seems to be scolding Hinata. Only then does Ushijima realize how dangerous it is to lean out of a window like that. It had not occurred to him that Hinata might fall and that, if he did, he would not just be able to fly away. 

Doing his best to ignore the uneasy feeling churning in his stomach, Ushijima crosses the street. The front door is being held open by a piece of wood, so he is able to enter without having to ring the doorbell. As he climbs the stairs, the voices he was able to hear outside become clearer. When he stands in front of the door, he can even distinguish individual voices. 

Mentally steeling himself for a night filled with awkward conversation, Ushijima knocks on the door. It is opened a few seconds later by a bored looking Tsukishima who does not even bother to greet him. He just leaves the door open and walks away. 

Ushijima should probably be insulted. He would be, except he knows that is just how Tsukishima is. The words ‘unflattering personality’ have been thrown around more than once among the members of their team, but Ushijima thinks it has its own kind of charm. Tsukishima might be irritating and rude, but at least he is upfront about it. 

“Don’t be rude, Kei!” Hinata calls, moving into Ushijima’s field of vision, an apologetic smile on his face. “Sorry about that. Kei gets a little grumpy around people.” He rolls his eyes, but it is not enough to disguise the fondness in his gaze. “Anyway, don’t just stand there. Come in!”

The way he gestures at the room behind him reminds Ushijima a bit of somebody calling their dog over. He almost expects a pat on the head once he is finally inside. 

“You can get a drink in the kitchen if you want. Although, you’ll have to get past Bokuto first.” Hinata grimaces. “He’s kind of taken over the kitchen.” Somebody says his name, catching his attention. Just like that, Hinata is gone again, leaving Ushijima to stand alone in the middle of his living room. 

There are no people he knows anywhere, aside from Tsukishima and Hinata. He recognizes some former members from Karasuno and other schools he might have faced in high school, but he has no idea what any of their names are. 

Maybe he should just strike up a conversation with somebody. That is what parties are for, right? To socialize? 

A small part of him considers this possibility. A much larger, much more prevalent part is telling him to just go to the kitchen. If Hinata is right, Bokuto is there. While he might not necessarily like the other spiker that much, but at least it is someone he knows. 

He enters the kitchen to the sight of Bokuto sitting on the counter, surrounded by multiple glasses and cans of what seems to be beer. This is somewhat surprising, since as far as Ushijima knows neither Tsukishima nor Hinata is of age. There is somebody leaning against the counter next to him, sharply dressed in a dark blue shirt. His messy black hair is vaguely familiar, but Ushijima cannot remember where he has seen it before.

“Ah! Ushijima!” Bokuto’s eyes do that thing where they go incredibly wide. The first time he saw it, Ushijima was genuinely amazed. He had no idea people could open their eyes that wide without having them fall out. “You’re here! So, you actually do things like this?”

“Like what?” Ushijima attempts to reach around Bokuto to pour himself a drink, but is thwarted by a slight shift of Bokuto’s leg. 

“You know. Parties! Social th- _oof_.” 

“Bokuto-san,” the black-haired man says pleasantly, pulling his hand back from where he used it to jab Bokuto’s ribs. “Be nice.” 

“That _hurt_ , Akaashi,” Bokuto whines. 

The name raises a memory from the back of Ushijima’s mind. He never played against him, but he remembers hearing stories of the black-haired setter from Fukurodani named Akaashi Keiji, who was capable of staying cool even under the worst circumstances. It would make sense that Bokuto would be so comfortable with one of his old teammates. 

No matter how much Bokuto pouts, Akaashi remains unmoved. Eventually Bokuto gives up. “Alright, alright, I get it. I’ll move.” He drops from the counter and slinks away. Akaashi takes a moment to heave an exasperated sigh and shoot Ushijima an apologetic look before hurrying after him. 

If Bokuto’s drooping shoulders are any indication, Akaashi is going to have a hard time cheering him up. Bokuto occasionally falls into a similarly melancholy mood during matches. So far, none of the members of the team have managed to pull him out of a mood like that. Maybe Akaashi is different, though, since he has known Bokuto longer. 

With Bokuto gone, Ushijima can now freely access the counter. He grabs a bottle of beer and takes a large sip. It tastes like shit, but it has alcohol in it, which is something he desperately needs right now. Barely five minutes have passed since he first arrived, and he already wants to leave. Actually, he wanted to leave before the party even started, but at least now he has a legitimate excuse. If he fled back to his dorm now, he could say he did it because he disliked the party. 

Semi’s face swims across his mind. The disappointment is clearly visible. He can almost hear him say _did you even try_? Apparently, even his subconscious is working against him. Ushijima takes a deep breath, throws back about half his beer in one go, and goes to face the masses. 

Talking to complete strangers is a lot easier when he has some alcohol in his system, even if it is not enough to have a lot of effect. It seems like an eternity of meeting new people before some other members of the team enter. He seeks refugee with people he knows, even if they have never really talked outside of practice before. 

Eventually they run out of things to talk about. If Ushijima was better in social situations he might have been able to keep the conversation going. As it is, he watches a little helplessly as his teammates leave him to fend for himself. 

It must be close to two hours since he first arrived. The temperature in the small apartment has risen considerably, even though the temperature outside has probably lowered. Ushijima’s skin is hot and he is feeling a little lightheaded, although this might have been caused by the copious amounts of alcohol he has already ingested. Either way, he figures some fresh air might do him good. He navigates his way through the crowded living room toward the window and breathes in the cool night air. 

He fails to notice Tsukishima is right next to him until he snorts and says, “Not you, too. I already have to deal with one idiot hanging from the window half the time, I don’t need another one.”

Only now that somebody pointed it out does Ushijima realize he was leaning on the windowsill, much like he has seen Hinata do countless times before. Come to think of it, he has not seen him around in a while. 

“Where’s Hinata?” He asks. His words are slurring a little. Has he really had that much to drink? 

“He’s outside, smoking. I don’t want our house to stink like those filthy cigarettes,” Tsukishima explains. 

Ushijima looks at the street outside. Hinata is almost directly below him. Painted in pale yellow light by a street light, with a cigarette dangling from his fingers, he looks almost like the protagonist in some noir mystery novel. 

As Ushijima watches, another figure appears behind Hinata. It is a man, tall and dark haired, but that is about all Ushijima can make out when he can only see the back of him. The man smacks Hinata upside the head and hisses, “ _Dumbass_. Are you trying to get yourself killed?” His voice is surprisingly clear. Maybe the wind is carrying it upwards, or maybe sounds from outside are always that audible from the window. 

“I’m not going to _die_ from one cigarette,” Hinata replies. “You’re overreacting, Kageyama.”

“I’m not overreacting,” the man – Kageyama – shoots back. “Do you know how bad cigarettes are for you? Even if you don’t get cancer, they still affect your lungs and-”

“I don’t _care_ if it’s bad for me.” Hinata’s voice is sharp, almost painful to hear. “It helps me calm down and – well, it _helps_.”

“You have medication for that,” Kageyama says, but he is a lot more subdued now. 

There is a beat of silence and then, “You are taking your medication. Right?”

“Um.” Hinata laughs awkwardly. “Well, actually-”

He does not get the chance to finish what he was saying before Kageyama hits him again. “ _Idiot_.” All the anger has returned to his voice. “You have those pills for a reason, so you can’t just decide not to take them.” He runs his hands through his hair and takes a few steps away from Hinata before turning around. This time, Ushijima can see enough of his face to tell that his expression is strained. “Don’t you want to get better?”

Somewhere along the line Hinata’s cigarette has fallen from his hands. He crushes it underfoot, extinguishing the glowing ember. “I do,” he says, after a long pause. “Of course I want to get better. But I don’t think the meds are really helping.”

“What are you talking about? They-”

“They do what they’re supposed to,” Hinata interrupts. “But they, I don’t know, they make me feel – sleepy. Well, not really sleepy, more like,” He is silent for a moment while he searches for the right words. “Like there’s a fog in my brain. They make it difficult to think. To do anything, really.”

“That still doesn’t mean you can just _not_ take them!” Kageyama is wound tight. He looks ready to punch something. Ushijima has no idea if that something is Hinata, himself, or something inanimate like a wall. 

From what Ushijima can see, Hinata is almost the exact opposite. His shoulders are slumped, arms hanging limply at his sides. “Look, can we just – _not_? Can we not do this now?” When no answer is forthcoming, Hinata sighs. “I’m going back inside,” he says, and does so a moment later. 

Kageyama stays outside a little while longer. Ushijima watches as he paces back and forth across the sidewalk, before cursing loudly and following Hinata inside. He looks away when he is sure neither of them are coming back, and his gaze is immediately drawn to Tsukishima.

If Ushijima could hear that entire conversation, there is no doubt he could as well, since he is leaning against the wall right next to the window. His arms are crossed and his head is down. Even like that, Ushijima can see the anger on his face. Their gazes lock, held for barely a second before Tsukishima huffs and walks away. 

Ushijima is sure there was some significance to the conversation he just heard and Tsukishima’s reaction to it, but with his mind muddled by alcohol, he cannot quite figure out what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is a lot of ushi/tsukki/hina interaction, so you'll at least have that to look forward to while i struggle with exams.
> 
> come talk to me on [tumblr](http://tsuk-kei.tumblr.com/), like literally about anything


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am currently exploding. my exams are almost done i only have two left. overall it went pretty well i think?? except today i fucked up today which is one of the reasons why im exploding and also posting this. like usually i try to write at least one chapter ahead and even though i only finished half of chapter seven i really wanted to get this chapter out?? so here you go

The morning after the party, Ushijima wakes with a blinding headache, not helped by the rain pounding against his window relentlessly. All he really wants to do is roll over and go back to sleep, but one look at his clock reveals that practice starts in less than an hour. Through a great amount of effort, he eventually manages to haul himself out of bed.

He arrives at the gym for practice right in the nick of time. It feels like the aspirins he took before going out are the only thing keeping him upright. Even now, there is still something pulsating behind his aching eyes.

“Wow. You look…” Semi says, visibly struggling to find a nice way of saying Ushijima looks like absolute crap. “Like the party was a success. Did you have fun?”

Ushijima simply groans and massages his temples. That would have been the end of that, if Tsukishima had not chosen that as the perfect time to pop up from behind Semi and pull open his mouth.

“I had no idea you were this bad at holding your liquor,” he snickers. 

A vein pops on Semi’s forehead. He’s visibly gritting his teeth. It’s fine when he is rude, but he gets angry as soon as somebody else does it. Ushijima has tried to point out how flawed his logic is many times, but Semi always brushes him off. 

“They’re our kouhai,” he’d said. “The least they could do is show a little respect.”

It looks like he wants to start ranting, but the coach calls them over to start practice before he can do anything. 

They play a few matches for practice. Ushijima is off his game enough that Tsukishima, whenever he is on the opposing team, actually manages to block him a few times. It would not bother him that much – he has a hangover, of course he would perform worse than usual – if only Tsukishima would wipe that annoying smirk off his face. 

By the end of their third game against each other, Ushijima is gritting his teeth. The smirk, which at first only showed up whenever Tsukishima managed to block him, has now become a permanent fixture on his face. Ushijima would do anything to wipe it off. But, with his still persistent headache only getting worse by the sound of the rain slamming against the roof off the gym, it is impossible to spike as well as he usually does. 

Back in high school – back before Tsukishima – it would not have mattered if he was off his game. There was nobody who could stop his spikes, even when they were less powerful than usual. 

Between two matches, he stomps off to the side of the court to get a drink. He must look even more agitated than he feels, because the first years he encounters all jump out of his way like he might actually kill them if they come near him.

Well, most of them. Somewhere behind him, Tsukishima is laughing again. Ushijima’s fingers tighten around his bottle until his knuckles turn white. 

“You really do suck when you’re hung over, don’t you?” He hums a little. Ushijima does not have to look at him to know the smirk has turned into something more deadly. That sharper, predatory smile he gets whenever he is trying to get a rise out of someone. “Bokuto seems to be doing fine, even though he drank just as much as you.”

Like he needs to be reminded. Bokuto has been noisy the entire morning. Every time he shouts – which is often – Ushijima’s entire head rings with it. 

“Maybe,” Tsukishima continues. His voice has dropped, so Ushijima knows he is going in for the kill. “We should just make him the ace instead.”

Ushijima’s vision goes red. 

Even though he knows this is what Tsukishima does – that it is like a game to him, trying to get under peoples skin - this time it really gets to him. He is not even sure why. Maybe because he is already in a bad mood due to his hang over. Maybe he has just had enough of Tsukishima’s constant scathing comments.

Or, maybe, it hurts more this time because he has spent the better part life trying to become a good ace – fearless, strong, and reliable. And now, Tsukishima is telling him to throw all of that away, like it means nothing. 

The next thing Ushijima knows, he has Tsukishima pinned against the wall by his wrists and is growling at him like some kind of animal. Tsukishima is still laughing, like he find all of this incredibly amusing. 

Ushijima wants to wipe that smug fucking look from his face. 

“Hey! Stop!” Somebody is shouting. Then, suddenly, there are people pulling at his arms, dragging him away from Tsukishima. Only now that there is more distance between them does he realize how close they were. 

Semi gets his attention by shaking his shoulders harshly. He looks mad enough that Ushijima fears he might actually hit him. “What are you thinking? You can’t just attack somebody like that! Especially not your teammate!”

From the corner of his eye, Ushijima can see Tsukishima getting yelled at as well by the coach. Everywhere around him are excited whispers. One of the first years looks about ready to throw up. 

“Sorry,” somebody says, somehow loud enough to be heard over the commotion. Everybody falls silent and turns their attention to the doorway. Hinata stands there, an umbrella clutched in his hands. “Is this a bad time?”

 

Things settled down pretty quickly after Hinata arrived. He caught on to what happened pretty quickly, apologized for his boyfriend, then prodded Tsukishima in the side until he apologized as well. 

Ushijima had been ready to go back to practice after that, but the coach would have nothing of it. “No, you’re going home. Both of you,” he had snapped when Ushijima tried to protest. “I don’t care who started it. You’re not children anymore, so you shouldn’t act like it.” He had turned them away with a glare. “I don’t want to see you back here until you’ve learned to behave yourselves.”

Ushijima had eventually given in. It might actually be good to go back to bed and wait for his headache to subside. Just as he was headed out to do exactly that, Hinata intercepted him and offered to buy lunch. Ushijima had tried to decline, but Hinata was relentless. 

“It’ll be our way of apologizing,” he had said, eyes wide and sincere. “We insist.”

Looking at Tsukishima frowning behind his boyfriend, Ushijima thought the _we_ part might not be exactly true. He went along anyway, mostly because he knew it would annoy Tsukishima. Let their roles be reversed for once. 

Now that he is actually here, though, in a restaurant with a warm plate of food in front of him, he thinks this might not be so bad after all. It is difficult to stay angry with Hinata smiling like all is right in the world. Even Tsukishima seems to be in a better mood, though he is still mostly silent. 

“You know, I never asked,” Hinata steals a bit of food from Tsukishima, even though his own plate is still full. Tsukishima glares, but says nothing. “What are you studying?”

“Japanese,” Ushijima answers. He still remembers Tendou laughing at him when he first announced his decision. It was a bit ironic, he supposed. Somebody as bad with words as him studying a language. 

Hinata says something unintelligible around a mouthful of food. “Swallow before you talk,” Tsukishima snaps, nose wrinkled in distaste.

“Is it interesting?” Hinata asks, after obediently swallowing his food. 

“It’s interesting enough.” He had mostly chosen it because he thought it would be easy, but it turned out to be surprisingly fascinating. “How is your study going?”

“It’s,” Hinata grimaces. “Well, it’s hard work. I’m very busy.”

Ushijima still has trouble believing that Hinata is studying architecture. Something more active would suit him more, he thinks. “Why did you even decide to study it?”

He can feel Tsukishima glaring at him. It looks like he has been getting more and more annoyed with every word that passes between them. He looks just about ready to leave and drag Hinata along with him. 

“I guess I just like the idea of making something permanent? If I become an architect and design buildings, they’ll still be there decades after I die. That way I can really leave my mark on the world. Something like that,” he laughs softly, looking down at his lap. “It’s stupid.”

Something heavy settles in Ushijima’s stomach at seeing Hinata so down. “It’s not stupid,” he blurts out, and immediately realizes he might have made a mistake when Tsukishima shoots him a death glare, though he finds it hard to understand how this could be considered bad. “I mean—”

“Anyway! Enough about me,” Hinata interrupts. He leans forward and lowers his voice like he is telling a secret. “Did you know Kei is studying paleontology? He’s such a nerd.”

“Don’t involve me in your stupid conversation,” Tsukishima mutters, irritated. At least he stopped glaring. 

“Don’t worry,” Hinata pats his shoulder reassuringly. “I still love you even if you are a giant nerd.” He follows it up by pressing a kiss against his boyfriends cheek.

Tsukishima pulls a face and wipes his cheek. Ignoring Hinata’s pout, he turns to look out the window. “Ah,” he says. “The rain stopped.”

“Really?” Hinata asks. He sounds genuinely unsure, even though the sky has already started to clear up. The sun is already starting to show through the clouds. 

“You didn’t notice?” Ushijima asks. The rain has been subsiding since a few minutes ago. Neither he nor Hinata should have any problem seeing outside from where they are sitting. Logically, if he noticed, Hinata should have as well. 

It is like the question flips a switch in Hinata. He leans back as far as he can manage, face pulled into an expressionless mask. “Guess not.”

Next to him, Tsukishima sighs loudly. He has started glaring again, even more intense than last time. “It’s probably going to rain again tomorrow. I can’t wait for summer to properly start.”

“That’s right!” Hinata perks up again. Ushijima feels a little envious, seeing how Tsukishima can make him feel better with a few seemingly meaningless words when all he has managed to do so far is ruin the mood. “It’s almost summer, so your first tournament is almost starting, right? Are you looking forward to it?”

When it becomes obvious that Tsukishima has no intention of joining the conversation again, Ushijima answers in his stead. “I am.”

“Of course you are! Who wouldn’t be, with a strong team like yours? You’ll probably win all your matches.” Hinata leans forward again. His eyes are sparkling. It reminds Ushijima a bit of the city at night, when everything is lit up by neon signs. “I can’t wait to see it.”

This Tsukishima does respond to. “You’re not coming to my matches.”

“Um, yes I am. Duh,” Hinata leaves no room for argument. This is obviously a conversation they have had before. “I’m your boyfriend. Of course I’m coming to watch.” He leans toward Tsukishima and waggles his eyebrows suggestively. “If you’re embarrassed, I could always make you feel better afterwards by—”

He was cut off abruptly when Tsukishima slammed his hand into his face. “Not in public,” he hisses.

Hinata rubs at his nose. “ _Ow_. You don’t have to be so stingy, Kei. Everybody already knows we’re dating, so it’s not like they’ll be surprised that we’re having sex- ow, ow, _ow_.”

“That’s it,” Tsukishima pulls Hinata up harshly by his arm. His face is completely red. “We’re leaving.”

“Wait – _Kei, wait_ , I haven’t even paid yet,” Hinata manages to squirm free long enough to throw some money on the table before Tsukishima starts dragging him away again. Just before they reach the door he looks back over his shoulder and smiles. “We should do this again sometime! _Ow_ , Kei, let go—”

The door falls closed behind him, and Ushijima is alone again. For some reason, there is a smile on his face that will not go away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so hey come talk to me on [tumblr](http://tsuk-kei.tumblr.com/) if i havent scared you off with my obvious craziness in my authors notes hahA


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> suprise! i'm not dead. i'm back, and i come bearing gifts. first; this chapter, which turned out a lot different from what i'd planned. second is that i'm taking fic requests on [tumblr](http://tsuk-kei.tumblr.com/)! so if you ever get tired of waiting for an update just drop a request over there (or come bug me about writing more. um.)
> 
> anyway! i keep forgetting to thank everybody for their wonderful comments and for leaving kudos; you're all awesome, and this chapter is dedicated to all of you

It continues to rain on and off for weeks, thick drops falling out of the sky in showers that end as abruptly as they start. Occasionally the clouds will dissipate, the gloomy gray replaced by a watery blue. 

The dreary weather seems to have everybody down, but none so much as Tsukishima, who seems to be in a permanently bad mood and is even more antagonistic than usual. Most members of the team are too afraid to go near him and Ushijima, having no desire to repeat the incident from a little while ago, keeps his distance as well. Bokuto is the only one brave enough to approach him, so he is the first to notice the dark shadows beneath Tsukishima’s eyes.

Of course, being who he is, he immediately announces it to the entire gym by loudly asking if he has been sleeping well. 

Tsukishima glares for a moment. Then he lets out a loud sigh and starts rubbing at his temple. “No,” he says. The lack of hostility in his answer is surprising enough to draw attention from anybody close enough to hear. Vaguely, Ushijima wonders when everybody became so interested in other people’s affairs. He is fairly certain no one eavesdropped on conversations before, but it seems to be a regular occurrence these days. 

“The stress of college life is finally getting to you, eh? I understand,” Bokuto claps him on the back. If the expression on Tsukishima’s face is anything to go by, it is far from gentle. “We’ve all been there. It’s way more difficult than high school, so—”

“It’s not that,” Tsukishima responds, looking disgusted at the mere suggestion that he would be having trouble with his studies. He almost never looks insulted - just disgusted. “It’s Hinata.”

“Oh?” Bokuto wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. Ushijima wants to haul him away before he says something that really makes Tsukishima angry. 

“He been keeping you up at night?” Bokuto continues. Ushijima swears he hears a second year groan in despair. It seems no one is in the mood to deal with a pissed off Tsukishima today. 

“Not like that, you idiot,” Tsukishima snaps.

Either Bokuto has no sense of self-preservation, or he really is stupid enough to not pick up on Tsukishima’s hostility, because he grins widely. “Don’t be ashamed to admit it. There’s nothing wrong with having a healthy sex life—”

“Now that you mention it, how’s Akaashi? I haven’t seen him in a while,” Tsukishima interrupts, voice pleasant but eyes cold. “Oh, wait,” he laughs. “I completely forgot. You haven’t, either.”

Bokuto rears back as if struck. For a moment he looks shocked, then he wilts like a dying flower and turns away. Tsukishima does not bother sticking around to watch. He stalks out of the gym, sneering at anyone who happens to make eye contact. 

“Who does he think he is, walking out of practice like that?” Semi seethes. “He’s coming back, right?”

Honestly, Ushijima doubts it. This is the first time he has seen Tsukishima angry enough to walk away from an argument, so he finds it hard to imagine him coming back any time soon. “I’ll go after him,” he says, partly because he does agree that Tsukishima needs to attend practice like everyone else, but mostly because he is curious. Even asking about Hinata has never garnered such a heavy reaction before, so why is this time different?

He finds Tsukishima leaning against the wall outside. It is one of the rare dry moments, and the sun tints his hair a pale gold. Up close, the dark circles beneath his eyes, like bruises, are impossible to miss. 

“If you don’t come back inside, coach will probably yell at you. And Semi might try to kill you.” 

Tsukishima spares him a glance from the corner of his eyes, then seemingly dismisses him as unimportant and goes back to glaring at the ground. The lack of reaction is a bit disappointing. Ushijima had been hoping for an annoyed sigh, at the very least. 

He moves to stand in front of Tsukishima, planting his feet firmly and crossing his arms. Then he waits. Overhead the sky starts to darken again. 

Finally, Tsukishima looks up. “What do you want?”

Ushijima lets his arms drop to his sides. He has, he thinks, gotten better at handling Tsukishima when he is in a bad mood. It is probably the result of frequent exposure. “I need to make sure you come back inside,” he says.

“Fine. I’ll go back in a few minutes.” Tsukishima is frowning. “Happy now? Wait, no, don’t bother answering. I don’t care.” 

Ushijima looks up at the sky and sighs. He thinks it might start raining again. 

“Why are you still here?” Tsukishima asks, trying for his usual biting tone and failing miserably. There must be something wrong with Ushijima today, because he feels none of the usual irritation. 

“I already told you,” he says. “I need to make sure you come back inside.”

They look at each other, and for a moment he thinks Tsukishima will relent and come with him. But then a fire lights in Tsukishima’s eyes. Only after seeing that flame ignited again does Ushijima notice it was missing. 

“Are you sure about that?” Tsukishima laughs, mockingly. The return of that flame is coupled with the return of his usual biting tone. “You know, if I keep practicing I’ll be better than you in no time. Blocking you will barely even be a challenge anymore. To be honest, it’s already pretty boring.”

Ushijima knows he is lying. He is perfectly aware of his own strength. Not even someone with perfect technique, not even someone with instinct like Tsukishima’s and intelligence to match, could ever think blocking his spikes easy. They are too powerful for that. Still, an unpleasant sensation starts curling low in his abdomen. Anger, yes, but with something else mixed in. 

“Some ace you are,” Tsukishima huffs. They have been here before. This time, Ushijima is prepared to deal with insults to his skill. What he is not prepared for, however, is for Tsukishima to take a different route entirely. “Isn’t the ace supposed to support his team? Aren’t you supposed to want everybody to play their best? And yet, you’re scared of me surpassing you.”

Those words hit him like a ton of bricks. In the span of a few seconds, a rush of thoughts and emotion passes through Ushijima’s mind so fast it all blurs together, but one thing springs out at him – Tsukishima is right. 

Ushijima has spent the majority of his life secure in the knowledge that he could beat anyone in his age category, that he was _better_ than everyone else. That confidence is a piece of him, interwoven with all other aspects of his personality and he is terrified – _absolutely terrified_ – of losing such a integral part of himself. 

“You can’t expect any of us to rely on you,” Tsukishima deals the finishing blow as the first few drops of rain start to fall from the sky. “If you lose your composure whenever someone is better than you.”

There is a moment of dead silence, where even the raindrops seem to hang suspended in the air. Then Tsukishima spins on his heel and heads back inside, just as the rain starts falling in earnest. It pounds against the ground, against the walls of the gym, loud enough that the sound starts to reverberate in Ushijima’s head. He is soaked through in seconds, but he cannot bring himself to move. 

 

Ushijima’s sleep is restless that night. He wakes up burning hot and drenched in sweat, tangled with his blanket. After he manages to free himself and throw the blankets off he falls back asleep, only to wake up shivering with cold a while later. This cycle repeats countless times. When his alarm goes off he has slept maybe two hours in total and his entire body feels heavy and sore. 

His mind, too, is more sluggish than usual, but he is at least aware enough to know that he has a fever. Probably the result of walking back to his dorm in the rain.

After his argument with Tsukishima, Ushijima had not bother going back to practice. He had gotten his stuff and left, brushing off any questions by saying that he was feeling unwell. Then he walked to his dorm. Without an umbrella. 

Ushijima turns and groans into his pillow. If Semi was not already going to kill him for missing practice, he sure as hell is for allowing himself to get sick like that. 

At least he should be in class right now, which means Ushijima has another few hours to live. 

As if summoned by his thoughts, Ushijima’s phone beeps, announcing a text message from Semi. _Are you feeling better yet?_ it reads. 

_Sick_ , Ushijima texts back, after taking a few moments to flail around in fear. It is impossible for Semi to read his mind, right? 

The next texts reads, _Get someone to buy you medicine. I’d do it but I’m in class_ , which is actually a good idea, except Ushijima has nobody to call. So, with nobody to call for help, Ushijima gets out of bed and heads to the store himself. He just prays Semi really cannot read his mind, or his life is going to end very soon. 

 

Staying upright proves to be the biggest challenge. Ushijima’s mind is sluggish, his entire body feels heavy, and he cannot seem to control his feet. By the time he reaches the store, he has bumped into a large collection of walls and people, and his vision has blurred so much he can barely see two feet in front of him. All he really wants to do is just buy some medicine and go back to bed, so when he bumps into someone again, he is does not do much more than mumble an apology and move on.

A hand grips his arm, holding him back. “Ushiwaka? Are you alright?”

With his mind in a fever induced haze, Ushijima has trouble placing the voice, but he certainly recognizes that nickname. Sure enough, when he looks back, he sees an orange blur holding onto his arm. 

“Ushiwaka?”

Ushijima blinks, and Hinata comes into focus a little, just enough to see the way his brows are furrowed in concern. He slides his hand up Ushijima’s arm, leaving a trail of fire behind even through the material of his jacket. It feels kind of nice, until Hinata pulls him down roughly so he can rest his other hand on Ushijima’s forehead. 

Like this, almost face to face, Ushijima can see every little detail of Hinata’s eyes. He can make out every dot of color, count every individual eye lash. There are dark shadows under his eyes, even worse than Tsukishima’s. He cannot stop staring at Hinata’s eyes, even when they widen in what looks to be mild panic. 

“You’re burning up! How are you even walking around right now?” There is a slightly hysterical edge to Hinata’s voice. “Forget that, _why_ are you walking around? You should be in bed.”

It takes a while for Ushijima to remember how to talk, but he eventually manages to mumble something about medicine. 

“Don’t you have anybody who can get that for you?” Hinata asks. Ushijima barely hears him. He feels like he could just fall asleep right now. 

Hinata catches him before he falls over. His arm comes up to reach around Ushijima’s back, bare skin brushing against his neck. Ushijima burns wherever their skin touches.

“All right, that’s it. You’re going to sit down right here,” Hinata says, guiding him to sit on the sidewalk. “And I’m going to go buy you some medicine. Then I’m taking you back to your dorm, and you’re going to bed. Actually, no - I have no idea where your dorm is.” He lets out a small puff of breath. “I guess I’ll just bring you back to mine.”

“Okay,” Ushijima mumbles. He draws his knees up to his chest, curling in on himself. He used to curl up like this when he was sick, and his father would run his hands through his hair and tell him stories about old team. 

Fingers rake through his hair. Just for a second, Ushijima thinks it is his father, but then he hears Hinata say, “Come on, I’m taking you home.” 

Ushijima is pretty sure he places almost all his weight on Hinata during the walk to his apartment. Hinata never complains, though. Not even when he is nearly crushed trying to stop Ushijima from falling flat onto his face after he lets go for a second to open his door. 

Hinata strips him of his jacket and shoes, then tucks him into bed.

“Thank you,” Ushijima mutters, mind hazy with sleep and fever. He falls asleep in an instant, curled up in bed with Hinata standing over him. Just before he drifts off, he hears Hinata say _good night_ , a hint of a smile in his voice.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise! i'm not dead! i've just been really super busy lately, which is why this chapter took so long. i have more free time now, though, so the next one should be out a lot quicker
> 
> also! some of you might have noticed the chapter count changing from a question mark to 11. that's right, people, the end is in sight. i hope you're all ready for this

When Ushijima wakes up, it is to Hinata talking. 

“…know that, obviously,” he is saying. His voice is so soft that Ushijima can only make out every other word or so. “… not a big … one class … not the first time … always catch up.”

“Who are you talking to?” Ushijima croaks, voice rough from sleep. Hinata starts so violently he falls from the chair he is sitting in. Has he really been there the entire time?

“You’re awake!” He shouts, then winces in time with Ushijima at how loud he’s being. “Are you feeling better yet?” He shuffles over to the side of the bed, resting his hand on Ushijima’s forehead again. His face quickly morphs into a frown. “You’re still burning up. You should go back to sleep.”

Ushijima’s brain has only now processed the few words he caught of Hinata’s conversation with – someone. “Are you missing class to take care of me?” The words hurt his throat coming out. He is still sore all over. 

“Yeah,” Hinata says, an unfinished smile on his face. “But it’s fine. It’s not like attending lectures is really mandatory, and I can just work through the material on my own.” He does not sound at all happy at the prospect. 

“Have you been sleeping at all?” Ushijima asks, noting again the dark shadows under Hinata’s eyes. They look puffy. A part of him wants to rub his thumbs over the skin there to see if it really is as swollen as it seems. 

“Not really,” Hinata says. “But I’m fine, honestly. Go back to sleep.” He goes to stand up, but is halted when Ushijima grabs his arm and pulls him into bed. 

“What are you doing?”

Ushijima ignores the question, wrapping his arms around Hinata and burying his face in fluffy orange hair. “Sleep,” he mumbles. In his arms, Hinata huffs, but it does not take long for him to stop fidgeting and for his breathing to even out. Ushijima follows him into sleep soon after, but his is not quite as deep. He wakes up a few times, drowsy and disoriented, awake only a few seconds before he falls asleep again. 

Once, caught in the space between sleep and waking, he looks down at Hinata. His hair is sticking up in every direction, and there is a bit of drool running from his mouth onto Ushijima’s chest. The remnants of a half-forgotten conversation drift through his mind – _people who’s opinion you actually care about_ and _you didn’t really think none of us had noticed, right?_

 _Oh_ , he thinks. _Oh. So that’s what you meant._

He looks at Hinata again. When he falls back asleep, it is with a smile on his face. 

 

It’s the smell of food that wakes him up the second time, drifting in through the open bedroom door. Hinata is gone, the space his body occupied cold and empty. 

Ushijima sits up. Realistically, he knows the fever is not gone yet, but he feels much better. His head is clear enough now that when he looks around, he can actually take in some of his surroundings. 

Hinata and Tsukishima’s bedroom is pretty spacious – large enough to comfortably fit a queen sized bed. Articles of clothing, pieces of paper, and various other knickknacks litter the floor and furniture. There are some bookshelves on the wall that are, in contrast to the rest of the room, pretty tidy. Ushijima figures that must be Tsukishima’s doing. He seems like the type who would want to keep his living space clean. 

He has been sitting for a while now and his head has not started spinning yet, so Ushijima figures it is safe to get up. At first he wobbles a little, but he eventually manages to make his way to the door, into the hallway, and finally through the living room into the tiny kitchen. 

Hinata is sitting on the counter, a large book open on his lap, a cup of instant ramen in his hands, stretched far in front of him so there is no chance of spilling. When he sees Ushijima, he freezes with a bite halfway to his mouth. A bit of moisture drips from it, onto the pages of his book. “Shit,” he says, setting aside his ramen and wiping at the book with his sleeve of his sweater. It is big enough that Hinata almost seems to drown in the fabric. Must be Tsukishima’s, then. 

That thought leaves a bitter taste in Ushijima’s mouth. He has only just realized his feelings for Hinata, only to have it thrown in his face that Hinata has a boyfriend. It is – unpleasant, to say the least. 

“Sorry,” he says, averting his gaze from where Hinata is still wiping at the stain he created. Even Ushijima is unsure of whether he is apologizing for the stain or for something else.

“Don’t be,” Hinata says. He gives up on rubbing at the stained page and closes the book, setting it on the counter next to him. “It’s not a library book, so I don’t _have_ to keep it clean. But, you know, college books are expensive, so I figured if I keep it neat I can sell it when I’m done.”

Ushijima nods in understanding but, honestly, he is too busy staring at Hinata to really listen to what he is saying. He had never allowed himself to see it before, but Hinata really is beautiful. 

“Want something to eat?” The mention of food gets Ushijima’s attention. He has not eaten anything since yesterday, and he is absolutely starving. “Ramen fine? It’s all we have, at the moment.” 

Ushijima nods wordlessly, watching as Hinata slides down from the counter in a single graceful movement. Even when he is nearly drowning in Tsukishima’s sweater, there is still a subtle sort of strength to his body. There is a sort of purpose to his motions that makes it hard for Ushijima to tear his eyes away. 

The sleeves of the sweater slide down Hinata’s arms when he pours hot water into another cup of ramen, revealing skin of his wrists. He is not pale by any means, but against the black of the sweater his skin looks incredibly light. 

“Here you go,” Hinata hands the cup to Ushijima, who finally manages to tear his eyes away from his wrist.

“Thank you,” he says, and immediately digs in. He really is starving. 

Hinata watches him eat for a while. The intensity of his gaze is a little unsettling; it feels like he is burning holes into Ushijima’s skin with his eyes. Eventually he looks away, focusing on a spot somewhere over Ushijima’s shoulder. Ushijima almost feels relieved to not be under such heavy scrutiny while he is eating.

“Are you feeling good enough to go back to your place?” Hinata asks. “Ah, not that I want you gone or anything! Of course not,” he starts waving his hands around wildly. A blush rises high on his cheeks. When he finally looks at Ushijima again, peeking up from under his eyelashes, Ushijima cannot help imagining all the other situations that might make him blush like that. 

“It’s just,” Hinata continues. “I need to go to work in a little while. I mean, you could stay, but I won’t be here.”

“I’ll stay,” Ushijima says. Truthfully, he feels well enough to leave, but he wants to stay here. Even if Hinata is gone, Ushijima can still feel his presence all around him. It is like Hinata is a tiny sun who has filled the apartment with light, which remains even after he leaves. 

“Okay! Okay,” Hinata smiles, though it looks a little strained. “I’m guessing you’re just going back to sleep after I leave?” He waits for Ushijima to nod in assent before continuing. “Kei is coming home in the evening, so I hope he doesn’t wake you up. I should probably leave him a note or something, to explain things.”

At the mention of Tsukishima, Ushijima feels something tugging in his stomach. He tries to stop his next words from leaving his mouth, but with little success. “Why are you even with him?”

Hinata stops his searching for a pen and paper to look at him. “Who? Kei?”

Well. Ushijima asked, so now he might as well see it through. “Yes.”

“Because I love him,” Hinata says simply, like it is the most obvious thing in the world.

“But,” Ushijima protests, not satisfied with that answer in the least. “But he’s—”

“An asshole?” Hinata finished for him. “That’s true enough, I guess,” he laughs, but quickly turns more serious. He leans against the counter, tipping his head back to look at the ceiling and blowing out a long breath. “But that’s – that’s part of his charm? It’s a little hard to explain. But, like, I fell in love with Tsukishima because he is who he is. The good parts and the bad.”

Ushijima tries to understand, but he just cannot imagine falling in love with somebody like Tsukishima. Admittedly, he has had his moments where he thought Tsukishima was tolerable, but that was in spite of his terrible personality, not because of it. 

“Besides,” Hinata adds, grinning a little. “Kei is really hot, right?”

Against his will, Ushijima’s face starts to heat up. He does not like to admit it, but he has noticed that Tsukishima looks – nice. His tall frame is covered in lean muscles, and he knows how to use them, too, which just adds to the appeal. Coupled with the sharp, handsome features of his face, Ushijima has no doubt more than a few people have fallen for his good looks. 

Still. He has no idea why someone as bright as Hinata would end up with someone as gloomy as Tsukishima. “When did you two start dating?”

“At the start of our third year. We’d been dancing around each other for a while though,” Hinata smiles a little, fondly. No doubt he is recalling some memory from the past. 

“Correct me if I'm wrong, but,” Ushijima frowns, straining to remember. “The two of you weren’t very friendly with each other when I played against you, right?”

“Oh, yeah, you’re right. During our first year, Kei and I really didn’t get along. We just rubbed each other the wrong way, I guess. We didn’t start getting along until our second year.” Hinata’s face darkens a little. He tilts his chin down and Ushijima notices there are still bags under his eyes. “I was going through some – stuff. Kei helped.

“Kind of weird right?” Hinata laughs, mood shifting back as abruptly as it had soured. “The guy I thought hated me turned out to be the biggest help. He claims he didn’t do it on purpose, but I don’t believe that.” He leans forward a little, gesturing for Ushijima to come closer like he is about to tell some big secret. Involuntarily, Ushijima leans toward him. “Yamaguchi says he had a crush on me for _months_. Wouldn’t stop talking about it.”

A guy like Tsukishima having a crush? Ushijima can hardly believe it. That would mean Tsukishima has emotions beyond hostility and boredom. 

“Shocking, isn’t it?” Hinata says. 

“Yes,” Ushijima replies. He must have been a bit too enthusiastic in his agreement, because Hinata’s smile falls a little.

“Kei really is a good guy, if you give him the chance,” he says. “He’s not as unfeeling as everyone thinks he is.”

A faint sense of guilt wells up inside Ushijima. Maybe he was being unfair to Tsukishima. He had given him a chance, yes, but maybe he had been going about it wrong. Maybe he should not have pushed, but waited for Tsukishima to open up of his own free will. 

“Anyway,” Hinata says, eyes flicking to the clock and then back to Ushijima. “It’s getting late. I should be getting to work.” He starts to walk out the kitchen, but pauses next to Ushijima to look up at him. “Will you be alright by yourself?”

Ushijima nods and attempts a smile. It probably turns out as more of a grimace, but Hinata smiles back anyway before he leaves. Ushijima can hear him bustling around while he continues eating. After a few minutes, he hears the door open. 

“Bye!” Hinata calls. Ushijima does not get a chance to respond before the door closes, leaving him alone. 

After he finishes eating, Ushijima heads back to the bedroom. Standing for such a long time when he is still unwell took a lot out of him, so he wastes no time falling into the bed, exhausted. The sheets carry Hinata’s earthy smell, but there are traces of Tsukishima’s spice-like scent as well. They mix into something unusual, but not necessarily unpleasant. 

Ushijima buries his face into the pillow and inhales. He could definitely get used to sleeping like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *gasp* is ushijima actually getting a clue?? amazing


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... it's been over two months since i last updated. i'm sorry? the short explanation is that life has kinda been kicking my ass lately. i'd like to thank everyone who took the time to comment, because it really helped give me the motivation i needed to finally finish this chapter.
> 
> i'm... not really happy with how this turned out. i could've definitely done better, but that would've taken even more time and i've already kept you all waiting long enough

In his dream, Ushijima is running. He is chasing someone, or someone is chasing him, or maybe both. The space around him is dark. All he can see is the silhouette of the person he is chasing, which sometimes fades out of existence. It is when this happens that he can sense the person behind him. Callused fingers on his neck, trailing over his shoulders and down his back. He gets the impression of lips pulled into a smirk.

Ushijima stumbles and falls to the ground. Somebody comes into view, smiling down at him. He does not know if it is the person he was chasing, or the person chasing him. If only he could just get up, get a better look, he would—

“What _else_ was I supposed to think?”

A loud voice invades his dream, pulling him from his sleep. At first, Ushijima has no idea where he is – just an unfamiliar room with a bed that is definitely too big to be his – but after a moment he remembers. 

“I _left a note_ ,” a voice he recognizes as Hinata’s answers, sounding agitated.

“You – you left a _note_?” The first voice again. Now that he is awake, Ushijima realizes it belongs to Tsukishima. He laughs, mockingly, a sound that Ushijima has heard many times before. “You left a _note_ to explain some guy sleeping in our bed?”

“Ushijima isn’t just _some guy_ ,” Hinata answers. “We know him. You know him.”

“And that makes it better?” Tsukishima’s voice is sharp as a knife. 

There is a moment of silence. Ushijima considers getting out of bed, since it is him Tsukishima and Hinata are arguing about. He has no idea what kind of effect his presence will have, though. He might just make everything worse. 

“For you? Yeah. Yeah, I think it does.” In contrast to Tsukishima, Hinata keeps his tone amiable. There is a weight to it, though, that hints at something unsaid hiding behind the words. “Since it’s _Ushijima_.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Tsukishima asks, much more cautious now. He has been put on the defensive, which is something Ushijima did not think he would ever get to witness.

“Nothing,” Hinata laughs. It carries just as much scorn as Tsukishima’s earlier laugh, only it is disguised as something much more friendly. The sound sends a shiver down Ushijima’s spine and he is suddenly reminded of how terrifying Hinata can be. “Nothing, just – most people would be happy to find the guy they have a massive crush on sleeping in their bed.”

Ushijima’s mind screeches to a halt. He cannot even process any thoughts aside from _what the fuck did he just say_. 

“What.” Tsukishima somehow manages to voice his sentiments exactly. 

“Oh, come on, Kei. You’re not fooling anyone.”

“No,” Tsukishima says, after a long pause. “Damnit, _no_. We are not discussing this while he’s here.”

The sound of angry footsteps immediately follows his statement. Ushijima has just enough time to pretend to be asleep before the door is ripped open. 

“ _Out_ ,” Tsukishima snaps. “Get out of my house.”

Hinata appears in the doorway just as Ushijima is getting up. “Kei,” he sighs. He looks tired – even more tired than he did before Ushijima forced him into taking a nap earlier that day. “You can’t just kick a sick person out like that.”

Tsukishima shakes his head, looking more frazzled than Ushijima has ever seen him. “I don’t care. I don’t—”

Hinata catches him around the wrist before he can move any further into the room. “Don’t. Just- I’ll deal with this.” His tone leaves no room for argument. 

For a moment Tsukishima stands completely still. Eventually, though, he gives in with a nearly imperceptible nod. Hinata lets go of his wrist, leaving behind white impressions of his fingers in the skin there. 

After Tsukishima leaves, Hinata sighs deep enough for his entire body to move with it. He turns to Ushijima, lips curled in a bitter mockery of a smile. The shadows beneath his eyes are more pronounced than ever. “I’m really sorry about this. About Kei. He’s been dealing with some – stuff,” Hinata takes a deep, shuddering breath. For a moment, Ushijima thinks he is about to cry. “But that’s no excuse.”

“It’s fine,” Ushijima says, unsure whether he is lying or not. 

“No. No, it’s really not fine.” Hinata shakes his head. “I’m sorry. Again.”

“Really, it’s alright,” Ushijima assures him. Even if he is lying, making Hinata feel just a little bit better would make it worth it. 

There is a moment of silence, disturbed only by the sound of Ushijima’s heart thumping in his ears. Then, Hinata looks up at him, eyes shining either from the light or something else. “You’re a good person, Ushijima.” The look on his face is so sincere, Ushijima has to look away. 

“Right.” His mouth is dry, making it hard to talk. Ushijima swallows thickly, but his voice still sounds scratchy when he says, “I should probably go.”

Hinata’s face darkens. “Yeah,” he agrees softly. He walks Ushijima to the door, close enough for their arms to brush. “Don’t let Kei get to you, okay?”

Ushijima nods, slowly. He lingers at the door a moment longer before leaving, not wanting to go. When he finally does leave, he looks back to see Hinata lean against the doorjamb, frowning at empty air before closing the door. 

Ushijima barely makes it a few steps before the yelling starts. The words are muffled by the walls and closed door, but the anger behind them is still clearly audible. A tidal wave of guilt sweeps through Ushijima, making him feel worse than the fever ever did. 

 

He has no idea what time it is, but it must be late. The streets are all but deserted, aside from a few drunk stragglers on their way home from a night out. There is even somebody bent over on the sidewalk, puking into a gutter. Ushijima is lost in such a daze he barely takes note of it until his name is called.

“Yo, Ushijima.”

When Ushijima turns around, the man is bent forward with one hand resting on his knee and the other wiping at his mouth. “Bokuto,” Ushijima says when he finally recognizes him. He cannot even manage to work up the energy to be surprised.

Bokuto looks like he is about to say something, when he doubles over to vomit some more. 

“Are—” Ushijima shifts his weight a few times, unsure whether or not he should move closer. “Are you okay?”

“Aw, yeah, I’m fine.” Bokuto does not look fine. He looks like he could start throwing up again any second, swaying on his feet. “Just – you know. Had a bit to drunk. _Drink_ ,” Bokuto corrects himself almost immediately, laughing. “I had a bit to _drink_.” His laugh tapers off and he sinks to the ground, sitting down on the edge of the sidewalk. He draws his knees up to his chest and rest his chin on them, head turned to face Ushijima. “You weren’t at practice today.”

“I was sick.” Ushijima says.

“Oh.” Bokuto looks forward, towards the street, bottom lip pushed out in a pout. “Tsukki was mean again today.”

Ushijima hesitates a moment more, before deciding to sit down beside his teammate. “That’s rough.” He pats Bokuto’s shoulder, trying to make it seem like he has any idea how to comfort people. 

“It is,” Bokuto agrees. “He keeps mentioning Akaashi, when he _knows_ —” He hiccups. His eyes are suspiciously shiny. Ushijima fears he might actually start crying. 

“Akaashi was your setter in high school, right?” He asks, trying to distract Bokuto from whatever is making him sad. 

“Yes. But he's more than that, too. He’s also my boyfriend. Or, he _was_ my boyfriend.” Bokuto runs his hands through his hair, making it even messier than it already was. “It’s complicated.” He hugs his knees, burying his face in his arms. When he continues, his voice is muffled. “We sort of broke up.”

“Why?” Ushijima asks. He remembers them looking perfectly happy together just a few weeks ago. 

“Akaashi’s university is, like, _really_ far away. We didn’t want to do the whole long distance thing so we broke up. Sort of. We’re probably – hopefully – getting back together once he graduates.” Bokuto sniffles. “It just – it sucks. I miss him.”

Ushijima stays silent. He has no idea what to say to make Bokuto feel better. He does not have any real experience in the romance department. Besides, if the past couple of days have taught him anything, it is that he obviously has no clue about anything to do with love. 

“Speaking of missing people.” Bokuto raises his head fast enough that it almost has to hurt. Ushijima is pretty sure he hears something crack. “I think Tsukki missed you today.”

As if this day was not confusing enough already. “What?”

“Yeah. That’s why he was being mean. I mean, he’s always a bit nasty,” Bokuto ads quickly. “But it was even worse today. Because he missed you.”

“Tsukishima,” Ushijima repeats slowly. He has to make absolutely sure he heard properly. “Missed me?”

Bokuto’s head bobs up and down in an enthusiastic nod. “Yup.”

“And – and that’s why he was being mean?”

“Yup. Ushijima,” Bokuto leans a little to the side to rest his head on Ushijima’s shoulder. His hair smells like gel and it scratches Ushijima’s neck. He tries his best not to show how uncomfortable this makes him. “I think Tsukki likes you.”

After the day he has had, Ushijima only just manages to work up enough energy to sigh. “I know.”

“You two should just fuck and get it over with.”

“I—” Ushijima actually considers this for a moment, and immediately feels ashamed of himself for doing so. “He’s with Hinata.”

“Hinata,” Bokuto mumbles against Ushijima’s arm. “Love Hinata. Wouldn’t ever want to hurt him.” He grabs hold of the back of Ushijima’s shirt and uses it to pull himself up a little. “Don’t do anything to hurt Hinata.” His breath smells like alcohol and vomit. 

Because it seems like Bokuto is so drunk he will not remember any of this tomorrow, Ushijima decides to be honest. “I’m trying, but I don’t think I’m doing such a good job of it.”

“Aw, no, don’t- don’t say that—” Whatever reassuring thing Bokuto was about to say is interrupted when he leans over to puke again. 

“Alright, I’m taking you home.” Ushijima stands, pulling Bokuto up with him. He has a vague idea where Bokuto’s dorm is, so they set off in that direction. When he gets close enough, Bokuto eventually takes over and leads him the rest of the way.

Ushijima watches him go outside and drop onto his bed, still fully closed. Satisfied that he will not be responsible for Bokuto winding up half-naked in a strange place tomorrow morning, he turns to leave when Bokuto’s voice gives him pause. 

“Hey, man,” he slurs. “Thank you.”

Ushijima blinks. He does not think Bokuto has ever thanked him before. “You’re welcome.”

When he turns to look back at Bokuto, he is already asleep. 

 

By now, Ushijima is completely exhausted. His fever might have gone down, but he can still feel the aftereffects of his sickness. All he really wants to do is crawl into bed and sleep it off. He can figures out this whole business with Hinata and Tsukishima later. 

The universe, however, seems to have other plans, because when he reaches his dorm he is greeted by the sight of somebody sitting in front of his door, head tilted back to lean against it, long legs stretched out across the floor.

“Finally,” Tsukishima says, like he has every right to be upset with Ushijima for arriving at his dorm when he did, even though he showed up completely unannounced. He stands up in one fluid motion and tilts his head back a little so he can look down at Ushijima. He shows no sign of having been in a fight just moments ago, expression as haughty as ever. “We need to talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, i'm on [tumblr](http://tsuk-kei.tumblr.com/). come talk to me if you want to cry about rare pairs or if you think i need a kick to get writing again


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise!!! guess who isn't dead?? this girl, right here. i _have_ been in the hospital for over a month now, though, which is why this chapter is super late ~~three months oh my god~~
> 
> on the plus side, this is the chapter you've all been waiting for. yes, my friends, this is it. the Reveal™. i'll try not to bore you too long, so you can get to reading
> 
> all i really want to say is a big thanks to my beta, rosanooktown on tumblr, who is not _just_ my beta but also a very good friend who has been supporting me through the tough time i've been having. if you have time, give her some love, guys.
> 
> that's all from me. onwards!

Ushijima closes the door quietly, afraid to be the first one to break the silence. Unfortunately, Tsukishima seems to be feeling the same way. He takes a seat in Ushijima’s desk chair but doesn’t say a word. 

Reluctant to give up the height advantage he gained when Tsukishima sat down, Ushijima remains standing, leaning against the wall next to the door. He stares at Tsukishima and waits for him to speak. After what seems like an eternity of silence, Tsukishima finally clears his throat. 

“Hinata,” he says, hesitant in a way Ushijima has never seen him before. He trails off, before shaking his head slightly as if to clear it. “Hinata said you were asleep and that there was no way you heard anything we said.” Tsukishima’s tone makes it quite clear what he thinks of this assumption. “I don’t agree.”

Ushijima feels his mouth go dry. He had known, ever since the match against Karasuno in his third year, that Tsukishima was one of the few people capable of accurately getting a read on him, but knowing something and actually experiencing it are two very different things. He says nothing, but the silence seems to be enough of an answer for Tsukishima. 

“Thought so,” he says, as if he really was not expecting anything different. “How much did you hear?”

“I…” Ushijima starts, unsure of what to say. He mulls it over for a moment before finally settling on, “Enough.”

Tsukishima’s eyes flash angrily behind his glasses. For a moment, Ushijima thinks he is going to lash out again, but Tsukishima takes a deep breath that seems to calm him. “This thing we have – you, me and Hinata. It’s not healthy.” He says this bluntly. No more word games, no more subtle hints and insults. Just the truth. “It needs to stop.”

Ushijima watches numbly as Tsukishima pushes himself up from the bed and walks across the room, coming to a stop in front of the door. He looks at Ushijima from the corner of his eyes. “Stay away from Hinata – from both of us.” He moves to open the door and that will be it; Ushijima will be expected to cut off contact with both of them. 

Before he even realizes what he is doing, Ushijima has placed an arm in front of Tsukishima, pressing against his chest and keeping him from leaving. He pushes him back a little more until he has made room for himself to stand between Tsukishima and the door. His mind is hazy, clouded by the same emotions he usually feels around Tsukishima – anger, confusion and, above all, frustration. He is starting to think it might have different reason from what he originally thought.

“What gives you the right to dictate Hinata’s life?” he demands. On any other day – a day where he is not exhausted and recovering from a fever – he might have been able to exert more self-control. Now, however, he feels powerless to stop the rush of emotions that is pouring out of him. “You can’t even face your own feelings—”

Tsukishima cuts him off by shoving him backwards violently. Ushijima’s back thumps painfully against the door. He is somewhat surprised by how strong Tsukishima is, though he supposed he should have expected it – anyone who can block his spikes would have to be. 

“ _Shut up_ ,” Tsukishima hisses, using the few centimeters of height he has on Ushijima to glare down at him. “You have – you have no idea what Hinata’s been through. You don’t understand _anything_.”

“You’re right,” Ushijima tells him, the volume of his voice rising. “Because nobody will _tell me_ anything. Maybe the reason I don’t understand is because everybody insists on keeping me in the dark about what’s going on with Hinata!”

He is breathing heavily after he finishes talking and he notices that Tsukishima is doing the same. Their eyes lock for a moment, before Tsukishima looks away with a frustrated noise that sounds suspiciously like a growl. “Fine,” he snarls. “You want to know so badly? I’ll tell you.”

He takes another deep breath. This time, it does not seem to do anything to calm him. “Hinata has schizophrenia. That’s why he stopped playing volleyball.”

“What?” Ushijima blinks, confused. Whatever he might have been expecting, it certainly wasn’t this. “That’s not—”

“Not an injury,” Tsukishima finishes for him. “Not something that makes it impossible for him to play. It’s difficult, but not unmanageable. There’s no reason—” He clenches his fists at his side, causing the veins in his arms to stand out. “Nothing except his own beliefs to keep him from playing.” After a moment of silence, he glares down at Ushijima, though there is a kind of sadness in his expression that throws Ushijima off balance. “There. Are you happy now?”

“No,” Ushijima says before he has even fully processed the thought. 

Tsukishima laughs and this – this, finally, is familiar. It is the same laugh Tsukishima always uses around him, sharp and mocking. “What more do you want, then?”

Again, Ushijima responds before his brain forms the words. “I want to know that he’s okay.”

This time, it is Tsukishima’s turn to blink in confusion. He rocks back on his heels and it seems as if his entire body relaxes, fists unclenching and shoulders losing all tension. Just when Ushijima thinks he has calmed down enough for them to have a civilized discussion, he tenses up again and pushes Ushijima against the door once more. 

“Good God,” Tsukishima snarls. “You’re so—” He makes that same frustrated sound from before. Ushijima is certain this time that it is a growl, because he can feel the vibrations of Tsukishima’s throat running through his body, spreading out from where their lips are connected. 

It takes a while for Ushijima’s brain to catch up to what is happening. Tsukishima is kissing him, hot and furious and demanding. It seems like he is pushing all the emotions he is feeling through this one kiss. Ushijima finds himself reacting instinctively, trying to convey the frustration he feels by actions rather that words.

When they finally separate, Ushijima is light in the head from lack of oxygen. He gasps for breath and somewhere, in the back of his mind, Ushijima vaguely registers that Tsukishima is doing the same, resting his head on Ushijima’s shoulder. His mind is clouded by the lack of air and a heat that has nothing to do with his fever. His body is screaming at him to kiss Tsukishima again. There is an echo in his head of Bokuto’s voice saying _you two should just fuck and get it over with_ that spurs him on. 

Before he can give in to his temptation, though, he hears something else – something more insistent – that finally manages to break through the fog in his brain. _Don’t do anything to hurt Hinata_.

“Stop,” he says, voice barely more than a whisper. Then, louder, “Stop.” He pushes Tsukishima back softly, nothing like the aggressive way Tsukishima did it before. “We can’t do this.” Ushijima licks his lips nervously. It’s a bad move – it seems almost as if he can taste Tsukishima on them. “You have a boyfriend.”

Tsukishima’s eyes go wide and immediately narrow again. He glares at some point above Ushijima’s shoulder, seeming reluctant to make eye contact. “Not anymore.” 

“What?” Ushijima asks, desperately wanting Tsukishima to tell him he misunderstood. He has gotten so used to thinking of Tsukishima and Hinata as a couple that he has trouble imagining them as two separate people. 

“Hinata broke up with me.” Tsukishima’s voice is flat and emotionless in a way that is more than a little unsettling. “He said I can’t be in a relationship when I’m in love with someone else.”

A rush of guilt sweeps through Ushijima. It was bad enough that Tsukishima and Hinata were fighting because of him, but now they’ve actually _broken up_ and it is all his fault. Feeling sick to his stomach, he pushes Tsukishima away and slips out from between him and the door. This is his fault. He has to fix it. “Then what are you doing _here_?” he asks, watching as Tsukishima’s breath catches at the question.

“Excuse me?” Tsukishima asks, eyes narrowed in a way that promises danger. 

“Shouldn’t you be with Hinata, talking things out?” Even to someone with a limited amount of social skills, this seems obvious.

“We did. He told me to go away,” Tsukishima narrows his eyes further. “And not to come back until I’ve sorted things out with you. So that’s what I’m doing.”

Ushijima raises his eyebrows in surprise. “By telling me to leave you alone and then kissing me? That’s stupid.”

Tsukishima splutters indignantly. “ _Stupid_?” 

“Yes,” Ushijima says simply. He would never have thought he would be the one lecturing Tsukishima on proper social skills, but here he is, doing just that. “It’s really stupid. You should have just talked to him.”

At that, Tsukishima stills. “I can’t,” he says haltingly. 

Ushijima fidgets in place. He has spent enough time around Tsukishima to recognize the signs he is giving off and knows they mean nothing good. It would be easier to just drop the subject, but there is no way he could do that. Not if he finally wants to sort this mess out. “Why not?” 

“Because he’s _right_ ,” Tsukishima snaps immediately. “I can’t be in a relationship if I’m—” He stops, running his hands through his hair in a frustrated manner. “It wouldn't be fair to Hinata,” he continues, calmer now. “It’s better for both of us if we break up.”

Ushijima opens his mouth to say something, but Tsukishima interjects. “That doesn’t mean _you_ get to date him.” 

Ushijima considers telling Tsukishima, once again, how stupid he is being, but one look is enough to tell him it would be futile. The only thing left to do is take matters into his own hands. _Someone_ has to sort out this mess and if Tsukishima won’t do it, Ushijima will. 

“I’m going to talk to Hinata.” He does not stay to listen to Tsukishima’s protests, but simply stalks out the door and closes it behind himself with a snap. 

He had fully expecting Tsukishima to come after him and drag him back, so he is pleasantly surprised when he makes it outside without any problems. The discovery that it is raining is distinctly less pleasant. He considers going back for an umbrella, but figures he was lucky enough that Tsukishima let him go once. 

Besides, getting sick again is a small price to pay if it’s for Hinata’s sake. 

 

Ushijima spent most of the walk over to Hinata’s apartment cursing his decision to not get an umbrella. For all he knows, Hinata is not even there. He could be outside somewhere. A little thing like it being the middle of the night would not stop someone like Hinata.

By the time he arrives at Hinata and Tsukishima’s apartment – though he supposes it is just Hinata’s now – Ushijima is drenched to the bone and shivering, but all of that seems to melt away as soon as he sees Hinata sit on the steps to his apartment complex. 

He looks a sorry sight; such a small form completely soaked by rain water. His hair sticks to his forehead and the drops that occasionally run down from it make it seem as if he is crying. Or maybe he really is; Ushijima finds it hard to tell.

“What are you doing outside?”

Hinata startles at the sound of his voice. He looks up and tries to smile when he sees Ushijima, but his attempt is half-hearted at best. “Trying to come to terms with the stupid decision I just made. What about you?”

“No,” Ushijima says. “I mean, what are you doing outside _in the rain_?”

Hinata blinks up at the sky in confusion. “Is it raining? I thought that was just me.” His tone is casual, but there is something forced about it. Ushijima does his best to pretend it does not hurt to hear that kind of voice coming from Hinata. 

Ushijima takes a deep breath and braces himself for disaster. “Did you think you were hallucinating?”

Hinata’s head snaps down and he gazes at Ushijima with an unsettling amount of focus. Just when Ushijima considers making a run for it, he drops his eyes down to his lap, where he is wringing his hands. “Kei told you, huh?” Ushijima nods at this, even though Hinata cannot see him. Luckily, Hinata does not seem to be waiting for an answer. “Don’t know why I’m so surprised. This is just like him.” He shakes his head, sending water droplets flying everywhere, joining those still falling from the sky. 

After a moment of hesitation, Ushijima sits down beside Hinata. He is soaked anyway, so going inside right now would hardly make things better. “I don’t think Tsukishima is as selfish as that.”

Hinata laughs softly. “Oh, no. I know he’s not. He didn’t do this out of selfishness.” His laughter dies off slowly. When it has completely faded, he turns slightly to look at Ushijima. “He did it because he wants me to be happy, and he thinks me being with you is the way to do it.”

Had he really misjudged the situation that badly? It was certainly possible; Ushijima was not exactly known for his skill at reading people. “Why?”

Again, Hinata laughs, though there is an edge of hysteria to it this time. “ _Why_?” he repeats incredulously. “Come on, Ushijima. You don’t _really_ think Kei is the only one who admires you?”

Ushijima feels like his brain is about to reach its limit, but he needs to be absolutely certain that he understood Hinata correctly. “Does that mean—”

“I’m not in love with you, or anything,” Hinata says quickly. “Not like Kei. But there are definitely – feelings. And, honestly, they’re confusing as all Hell, even more so because I’m pretty sure you have feelings for both Kei and me and you might even be in love with one or more of us and—” He cuts himself off abruptly and rubs his hands over his face. “Everything is such a mess.” 

The rational part of Ushijima’s mind is telling him he should not ruin everything by doing what he is about to do. His instinct, however, just says _Hinata_ and he finds his mouth echoing that statement before he can do anything to stop it. Hinata looks at him and, despite the rational part of his mind screaming in protest, Ushijima starts to lean in. 

He gets close enough to Hinata’s face to count every one of his eyelashes individually before Hinata places a hand against his mouth and pushes him away. “Don’t,” he says. “We should figure out this mess first, before we do anything.”

That is, Ushijima reminds himself, what he had been thinking as well, before his baser instincts overruled any logical thoughts he might have had. “You’re right,” he agrees. “You’re right. But first, I have a question. Why did you stop playing volleyball?”

Hinata raises an eyebrow and gestures towards himself. “Um, _duh_?”

“Schizophrenia doesn’t have to stop you from practicing the sport you love,” Ushijima argues.

“I guess,” Hinata says, though he does not sound like he really believes it. “But – well, it’s certainly not easy to play when I have hallucinations popping up all the time. The rain I can handle; at least that’s recurring. It’s different when it’s people talking to me, or a dozen balls suddenly appearing, or anything similar.”

“Does that happen often?” Ushijima asks. Hinata nods. “Tell me more.”

“Well…” Hinata starts, and keeps talking.

They’re still talking when the sun comes up, neither of them caring that they’re completely soaked. The rain has subsided to nothing but a slight drizzle and the clouds have receded enough for a few rays of early morning sun to break through.

It has not stopped raining yet, Ushijima thinks, but at least it is a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to hate me now lmao
> 
> i can't promise when the next chapter will be out. i guess we'll just have to wait :/


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow wow wOW THIS IS IT THIS IS IT
> 
> i'm incredibly nostalgic right now bc??????? i published the first chapter more than half a year ago????? this is the last chapter. after this, that part of my life, a part that lasted more than half a year, will be gone. wO W
> 
> seriously, though. when i started this i never expected it to get the amount of support it did. it was just a silly little thing about a ship that literally didn't exist until i posted this, but!!!!! you all were very lovely and supportive and i want to thank you all!!!!!! _especially_ the people who commented regularly!!!!!!!!! you always made my day, seriously
> 
> last but certainly not least, i'd like to thank my beta rosanooktown on tumblr. she's a great beta and a great friend and she really stuck by me through the end
> 
> now, onwards!!

The three of them probably make a sorry sight; sitting in the darkest corner of a café, all with dark circles beneath their eyes from lack of sleep, wearing the same clothes they wore yesterday. Ushijima and Hinata are both still damp from the rain, with Hinata’s hair curling at his temples as it dries.

None of them say a word; Hinata and Tsukishima are locked in some kind of staring contest that Ushijima is loathe to interrupt. It’s broken when Hinata blinks. Tsukishima leans back in his chair with a smirk while Hinata sighs in defeat. 

“So,” the corner of his lips curl in a bitter smile. “Is this the part where we admit we fucked up and sort out this giant mess we made?”

Tsukishima winces. “I suppose it is.”

As if those words were some kind of unspoken signal, they both look at Ushijima. It is already unsettling when one of them focuses their attention on him; when they both do it at the same time, it is downright disturbing. “Why are you looking at me?”

Hinata and Tsukishima share a long look. It seems like such a natural gesture, Ushijima cannot help feeling a little out of place. They’ve been together for several years already; he has only become close to them recently. 

“You’re kind of the reason all of this happened in the first place,” Tsukishima says. For once, his voice carries none of its usual biting tone. It feels like a punch to the gut regardless. 

“I don’t think that’s true, actually,” Hinata shakes his head. “Maybe a catalyst, or just part of the reason, but not the only one. I mean,” he looks down at his lap, plucking at the bottom of his shirt. “Would you really have fallen in love with Ushijima if there wasn’t already something wrong?”

Ushijima draws in a sharp breath. He glances at Tsukishima, who has frozen in place. 

“Not that I don’t understand.” Hinata’s voice is trembling. “I wouldn’t want a broken thing like me either.”

“ _Stop_ ,” Tsukishima snaps at the same time as Ushijima says, “You’re not broken.” They look at each other. Ushijima gives the tiniest nod for Tsukishima to continue. He should be the one to comfort Hinata right now. 

“Don’t call yourself that. I’ve told you that before,” Tsukishima looks faintly annoyed. Ushijima thinks it is just what he looks like when he is worried. “You’re not broken.”

Hinata purses his lips into a thin line. “I am, though. I can’t even play volleyball because I keep _seeing_ things—”

He is starting to breathe heavily, so Ushijima grasps his hand and squeezes it, hard. Hinata squeezes back just as hard, but seems to calm down. 

“You are not broken,” Tsukishima repeats. His hands are clenched into fists on the table in front of him. “So what if you can’t play volleyball anymore? You’re still Hinata. You’re still _you _, and I still love you. With or without volleyball.”__

__Hinata’s nose wrinkles in confusion. “Then, why—?”_ _

__“Me falling in love with Ushijima had nothing to do with you. Besides,” Tsukishima’s hands clench even more, knuckles turning white. “I’m not the only one who developed feelings for him. Since you fell for someone else as well, does that mean you think _I_ ’m broken too?”_ _

__“You’re not broken either. Neither of you are broken,” Ushijima says. “And if you are then so am I, because I’m in love with two people, too.”_ _

__They are all silent for a moment. Ushijima is still holding Hinata’s hand, and he does not have any desire to let go. It feels nice, the warmth of another person’s skin against his._ _

__Tsukishima is the one who finally breaks the silence. “All three of us have some issues, I guess.”_ _

__Sighing, Hinata extracts his hand from Ushijima’s grip to push his damp hair from his eyes. “So,” he starts. “Where do we go from here?”_ _

__Looking at it now, Ushijima realizes there is really only one answer he wants to give. “We could give a relationship a try.” He does his best to ignore Tsukishima’s incredulous stare and Hinata’s wide eyes. “We all have feelings for each other. That’s enough of a reason to at least _try_.”_ _

__“How would that even work with three people?” Tsukishima asks._ _

__“I don’t know,” Ushijima admits. “But we can figure it out.” He does not know this for certain, but he chooses to believe they can._ _

__“Can we really, though?” Hinata stares at the table, avoiding everyone’s eyes. His shoulders are drawn up around his ears. Ushijima wants to take his hand again to help him rid some of the tension from his body, but Hinata’s hands are folded in his lap, out of reach. “Like you said, we all have our own issues. That won’t exactly get better when there’s three of us.”_ _

__“We can support each other,” Tsukishima says. “It’ll only end in disaster if we _let_ it.”_ _

__When Hinata still does not seem convinced, Tsukishima continues. “You thought we wouldn’t last as a couple either, remember?” He smiles softly, a faraway look in his eyes. “We didn’t give up, though. Even when it was hard, we kept trying.”_ _

__Hinata takes a deep breath. “Okay,” he says. When he looks up, his eyes are shining. “Let’s keep trying some more.”_ _

__

__When Ushijima comes home from his morning run, it is to Hinata and Tsukishima arguing in the kitchen._ _

__It still feels a little strange, even after several months of living with his boyfriends, to call the place home. He had been living in the school’s dorms for over two years; that was nice and familiar. This apartment he lives in is still new to him, and he still walks into things sometimes because he does not expect them to be there. However, home is where the heart is, and Ushijima is certain he has figured his heart out._ _

__Hinata’s voice drifts toward him as quietly closes the door behind himself. “Seriously, Kei—”_ _

__“I told you,” Tsukishima says in that strange mix of irritated and fond Ushijima has come to recognize. “It’s not done yet. Your whining isn’t going to change that.”_ _

__Ushijima enters the kitchen silently. It is small – way too small for three adult men to fit comfortably – so both Tsukishima and Hinata immediately notice his presence. Both of them turn their heads to look at him, but soon turn their attention back to the stove._ _

__Ushijima wraps his arms around Tsukishima’s waist and rests his chin on his shoulder so he can look at what kind of food he is making. The rice cooker, usually shoved into the corner between the counter and fridge, is on, and Tsukishima is busy frying an egg. “Looks good,” Ushijima says._ _

__He does not have to see Tsukishima’s face to know he is rolling his eyes. “Tell that to Hinata. All he’s done is complain.”_ _

__“I never said it wasn’t going to be good,” Hinata protests, leaning against the counter. The hoodie he is wearing is much too big for him. Belatedly, Ushijima realizes it is one of his. “Just that it’s taking too long. I’m meeting Kenma in a little while and I’ll miss my train if I don’t leave soon.”_ _

__“I can’t exactly make this go any faster,” Tsukishima snaps._ _

__Ushijima squeezes his arms around his middle a little to calm him down. “Could you turn up the heat?” he asks._ _

__“If you want your eggs to be burned, sure.” Tsukishima’s tone is as sharp as ever, but his body is too relaxed for him to really be angry._ _

__Hinata groans loudly and Tsukishima turns his head sharply to face him. “If you’re just going to whine, get out of my kitchen.”_ _

__“ _Our_ kitchen,” Hinata mutters, but leaves without any further protest. When he pushes past Ushijima he grabs hold of the back of his shirt to gently tug him along. He drops onto the couch, dragging Ushijima down with him so he can use him as a pillow. _ _

__Barely a second after he has put his head down on Ushijima’s chest, Hinata sits up and wrinkles his nose. “You smell.”_ _

__“I just went running,” Ushijima says. The temperature may have dropped during the shift between summer and autumn, but that does not mean he has suddenly stopped sweating._ _

__Hinata pushes him up off the couch, straining under the weight. “Go take a shower. I’m not cuddling with you until you’re clean.”_ _

__With a small smile, Ushijima complies. He had been planning to take a shower anyway, before Hinata dragged him to the couch._ _

__While he gets undressed, Ushijima notices Hinata left his medicine on the edge of the sink again. The sticky note Tsukishima stuck to the bottle of pills a little over a week ago is still there, reading _'Don’t forget'_ in faded black marker. There is a tiny doodle of a sunflower in the corner that Hinata must have made without either of them noticing. Ushijima spends a moment longer looking at it, before putting it in the medicine cabinet where it belongs. _ _

__The hot water feels nice against his skin, soothing his muscles and allowing him to clear his mind. Any other day he might have thought up a play he wanted to try or a strategy for the team to use in an upcoming game, but he feels strangely peaceful today. He can almost pretend this day exists separate from all others, that whatever he does will not have any effect on the future._ _

__After his shower, Ushijima reclaims his spot on the couch. Almost thoughtlessly, Hinata leans his head against Ushijima’s chest._ _

__“Hey,” he says slowly. “Did you use Kei’s shampoo?”_ _

__“I did,” Ushijima admits. “Mine was empty.”_ _

__Hinata blinks. “Oh. We’ll have to get more, then.”_ _

__“More of what?” Tsukishima asks, entering the kitchen with two plates of food in his hands. He freezes half-way through the room and sniffs the air. “Did you use my shampoo?” He glares accusingly at Ushijima._ _

__“Mine was empty,” Ushijima repeats. Not that he really minds using Tsukishima’s shampoo; it smells better than his, anyway._ _

__“You’re impossible,” Tsukishima mutters. He presses the plates into his boyfriends’ hands and gives Ushijima a stern look. “I’ll allow it just this once.”_ _

__Ushijima nods solemnly. “Thank you.”_ _

__Tsukishima goes to get his own breakfast, before taking a seat beside Ushijima. Their legs are tangled together, ankles crossed. Hinata is still leaning against his other side. It should be uncomfortable, two warm bodies sprawled across his, but Ushijima has grown to enjoy the heat._ _

__It is a little difficult eating pressed together like this, but they find a way, though breakfast does take a bit longer than usually. When they finally finish, Ushijima gathers the plates and nudges Hinata to get up so he can take them to the kitchen._ _

__“No,” Hinata whines, drawing the word out. “I’m too comfy.”_ _

__Tsukishima snorts. “Did you forget you’re meant to meet Kozume-san?”_ _

__Hinata shoots up from the couch with wide eyes, nearly throwing all the plates Ushijima is holding onto the floor. “Shit! What time is it?” He does not wait for an answer before running off, toward their bedroom._ _

__“He’s an idiot,” Tsukishima says fondly._ _

__“Yeah,” Ushijima agrees. “I like it.”_ _

__Tsukishima looks at him. “You know,” he lowers his voice. “We’ll have the place to ourselves while he’s out.”_ _

__Ushijima nods as much in response to the unspoken words as the spoken ones._ _

__Hinata runs past them with a bag slung over his shoulder, still wearing Ushijima’s hoodie. Ushijima considers pointing this out, but decides against it. Hinata has a habit of wearing his boyfriends’ clothes and not wanting to return them._ _

__“Wait,” Tsukishima says, freezing Hinata in his tracks. “The weather forecast said it was going to rain.”_ _

__“It’s fine,” Hinata dismisses him and bends to put his shoes on._ _

__“You should at least take an umbrella,” Ushijima tries._ _

__“It’s _fine_ ,” Hinata repeats. “I don’t think it’s going to rain today.” He throws a smile over his shoulder before he slips out the door and it is blinding._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's it guys it's over :')


End file.
